Every creature on this planet has a path unique to them and, unless they know someone from the future who can tell them how it all turns out, there will be all sorts of unexpected twists, turns, bumps, days and nights, and weather along the way. The point being I didn't know and wasn't prepared for the what was around the corner...
I'm not good with timelines and no doubt I will remember things in a funny order. My goal is to relive my experiences for my benefit and anyone who can learn from me. The first overtly feminizing step I remember was playing an on-line role playing game as a female character and really enjoying delving into the role, to the point that I began to treat myself as female when I was engrossed in the game. This was not the moment when I realized I needed to follow my path to transition and actually lent itself to some confusion for me.
The next big step, when I was, again, playing on-line and tried out cross dressing and shaving body hair also was not enough to clue me in to what was going on. The experience was exhilarating, removing a chink of my armor and peeking into a place I had decided long ago was taboo. At this time in my life there was a lot of upheaval and change that kept me unbalanced and unfamiliar to myself. I believe things happen at the right time and it was almost time for me.
But it wasn't until a friend of mine asked me why I hadn't transitioned that the possibility came up. It seems so strange to have things progress this way. I was miserable and wasn't fitting into the life I was trying to have. Things never seemed to turn out right and happiness was fleeting. I resigned myself to a dark future unknowingly, because I'd never choose an existence like that for myself. I didn't understand what it was that was wrong or missing. Almost immediately after my friend brought up transitioning things became so much clearer. I could look at my present and past and was stunned to have been so blind to the needs of my heart and body, like feeling trapped or vulnerable in a dream and not realizing I can just wake up.
Looking at my online experiences it was night and day how I related to people as a man versus as a woman. I can't express how this revelation affected me. It was like having the answer sheet for a difficult exam. Moments of uncertainty, doubt, and confusion in my past became clearer and understandable interpreting myself as a female responding to them. I had that feeling of elation that comes with a burst of inspiration. And this was the day I looked up from my feet and saw my path going off into the distance, still not knowing what will happen in my future, but sure of how I am meant to walk it.
“I could see why Archimedes got all excited. There was nothing finer than the feeling that came rushing through you when it clicked and you suddenly understood something that had puzzled you. It made you think it just might be possible to get a handle on this old world after all.” - Jeannette Walls, Half Broke Horses
