No Mom...I swear I'm Not Joining the Circus

What's one of the most embarrassing things that's happened to me? The first time a man held the door open for me and said "you're welcome ma'am".  No, really...my cheeks were on fire, I ducked my head, and fled to my car.  Crazy, right?  I mean, isn't that how its supposed to work?  The fact is I suddenly had a feeling I had just tricked this guy into believing I'm a woman and he's going to realize it and beat the pulp out of me.  I had no time to feel proud of the moment, just shocked and embarrassed!

Luckily I've outgrown that one.  Now I'm dismayed if someone looks over at me and doesn't see a woman standing in my shoes (no we aren't going back to that 'so what size are they' discussion).  But when I first started to transition in public I was very worried about my appearance and presentation.  I admitted to my therapist and friends my vanity and need to look good or at least be successful in looking the way I desired.  And at the beginning that seemingly wasn't very feasible.  I'd never tried to look convincingly female and there was a lot of masculinity in the way.  I know, I'm not supposed to care what anyone thinks....but when I'm sitting in a restaurant or buying tires for my car, or meeting with a vendor at work....I CARE

A lot of us want to hurry to wear fitted blouses, skirts, heels, makeup, to declare who we really are and I am no exception.  But I suggest taking a look at that transition timeline.  By the way, I've put some of the style tips that have worked for me down at the bottom of this blog entry.  This is not a judgement on anyone else's fashion or lifestyle - just what helped me!  Realistically its going to take two years of laser or electrolysis to get rid of facial or body hair.  That's a long time and its not cheap either. That's two years to make gradual, comfortable changes in wardrobe and public appearance, figure out how to use a blow dryer and barrel brush and experience growing up as a girl (its pretty darn awkward feeling like a teenager in my 30s).  Also, it pays to have friends with good fashion sense not afraid to give out much needed advice!  I experimented, bought a couple tops, a pair of heels, and wasn't impressed with the result.  Words come to mind that aren't worth repeating.  My friends took pity and suggested maybe a little less frilly and stick with appearing more androgynous until some of my physical changes had a chance to develop.  Being the gothy sort, for me this was black button up shirts, tight jeans, boots, long hair, earrings, jewelry.  And, wow, that felt better.  But, hmm, not very feminine.  Ah, but adding nail polish and changing my hair style, putting on a bit of makeup, shaving my face every day, that was getting somewhere.  And in the meantime, I put my time to good use studying magazines, reading how-to articles, visiting an esthtetician for laser hair removal, and practicing the art of the feminine walk, sit, posture, mannerisms.

Transitioning is a long path.  But there are rewards.  Not being torn up from the inside.  Smiling on the world with your own face rather than an imposter's. Giving the people you love the very best of yourself.  I do care how people perceive me.

I CARE.  And it shows ♥

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So, some tips on what worked for me (for reference I'm 5'11" and relatively skinny)
The Internet is your friend!  If you don't know how to do something look it up.  Thrift stores are an amazing resource for experimenting with clothing and trying stuff on.  Take a female friend when you go shopping and you won't feel ridiculous being in the women's section.

High heels looked silly on me at first. Feminine footwear was boots with a small heel, sandals with painted toenails, tennis shoes.
Tight girl jeans - absolutely I love them! Tight and showing, ahem, hidden assets - preferably not. Wear a long top to cover up. And boot cut and flair bottom jeans with longer inseams are the bomb! They make my feet look smaller.  Need a long inseam? Try Old Navy, Long Tall Sally, Sheplers, Eddie Bauer...there's  quite a few though they can be hard to find in a store.
Skirts and dresses in my opinion don't make a person look feminine, just draw eyes to the parts that aren't. Break these out when its time to start wearing a bra. You'll get there!
Tops to stay away from have lace, too much frill, or only cover half a torso.  Button up blouses in feminine styles, bright sweaters, and camis and t-shirts that enhance curves or hide them (padded or slimming camis are great) are an easy androgynous fashion. Layer. Where one top is good, two or three is better, but please, no popped collars (the 80's called, they want their fashion back). Try a Cami or layered camis with a blouse or sweater over it or a collared shirt under a cardigan.
Accessories are a great way to feminize an outfit.  Picking out a matching belt, handbag, sunglasses, a jacket,  are all ways to experience and practice shopping in the women's aisles and learn how to enhance your appearance.
Jewelry - comfortable, classy, or fun. Look at magazine pictures. Look at coworkers.  I'm not a fan of bejeweled and bedazzled, so I go with simple, but I almost always have a necklace, one or two bracelets, and earrings on.
Hair is a really tough topic. Read up on styles, go to a real stylist who can help. Look at pictures, but stick with styles that match the shape of your face. And practice, practice, practice - drying, curling, straightening, combing, styling. Skills only come with time.  I've spent hours and hours reading tips and tricks, best practices, how-to's, product suggestions, product no-no's, etc. Don't give up.  And its amazing what a good stylist can do with highlights and color.  Unfortunately a wig may be an eventuality, but wigs require styling and care too so don't think of it as an easy way out.
Makeup! A dirty word for sure. I was wearing a foundation two colors too light for me and compared with Alice Cooper (no, that's not the name of a woman). A foundation that matches skin tone is essential. And I was taught early on about beard masking foundation and stage makeup.  So, until that laser really starting to get rid of facial hair, I had on three layers of foundation.  Its noticeable, but better than a 5'oclock shadow in my opinion.  As for eye shadow and lipstick, less really is more. Trust me. Again, look at coworkers and study on-line and practice. And don't worry about buying expensive stuff. Go for bargains and pick up higher quality later.

Magical Memories?

Something I considered early in my transition planning was whether or not I should keep a journal of what transpires and create an 'evolution of Wren over time' sketch in words.  Maybe even a photo log showing changes to my appearance.  That way every precious moment of what is sure to be my greatest achievement would be recorded in eternity... or something like that.

But...

I didn't end up keeping a transition journal.  When I sat down and thought about it, I didn't see the value of recording every detail of my transition.  I didn't want it to be the pencil marks on the door frame measuring my growth.  It felt too much like I was studying myself and that all of this was some sort of experiment with a hypothesis and I'm the lab rat.  

Why am I writing this blog now?  I view this as an opportunity to share what I've been through in the hopes that someone else can learn from me.  And, rather than writing as it happens, misconceptions and all, I am looking back and able to understand what was really going on.

Though it may not be magical and silvery, creating this blog is my way of bottling those memories and leaving them on a shelf for inquisitive wizards to find.  I have had help along the way, reading insights and stories other authors have shared.  Sometimes its breadcrumbs left behind to help me find my way.  Sometimes they offer solace, feeling validated about what I'm going through as I read someone else's account.  And sometimes its like a big piece of caution tape warning me to be careful or avoid a dangerous situation.  In any case I don't think its possible to know too much.  One of my favorite Trans Journey blogs is by Juliet Jacques.  She is an excellent writer and I've gotten a lot from reading her story.  http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/series/transgender-journey.

I've been pulling other memories out of my brain as well, storing them in my private pensieve.  By writing down troubling feelings, worries, or concerned thoughts I'm able to step back and evaluate them because transitioning has forced me to confront a lot of bad habits.  Misconceptions or wayward assumptions about dating, follow-up thoughts after therapy sessions, records of confrontations at work or home all seem easier to unravel when I write them down.  And recording it seems to ease my subconscious from dwelling overmuch on difficult topics (So a dream about running naked through the woods, chased by wolves and zombies while trying to avoid my step-dad seeing me without clothes on...must mean something right???).

Lastly, I've kept a log of events and incidents that happen at work.  This is a good habit for anyone and is all about personal safety.  My best friend went so far as to keep a recorder in her purse and tape meetings.  Writing down specific dates and times, the people involved, and the specifics of an incident will be a huge benefit if something were to ever come up at work.  No matter how secure and 'safe' I feel with my job, I know how quickly that can turn around.

So I went from a plan idealizing the phases of my trans journey to recording the things that actually matter to me, which seems far more valuable.  And quite frankly, as hairy as a situation may become, I'd rather write  it down to investigate later, than go back and look at pictures of stubbly chin whiskers and be reminded of my embarrassment.


~ Wren

"This? It is called a Pensieve. I sometimes find, and I am sure you know the feeling, that I simply have too many thoughts and memories crammed into my mind."

— Albus Dumbledore and Harry Potter discussing Dumbledore's Pensieve.