Wren Learns to Fly

I realize months have passed since my last blog post and, honestly, I thought I was out of ideas for writing.  Also, as a close friend of mine believes, a point is reached when being transgender isn't enough, the cocoon is breached, and there are other experiences waiting for us in the wide world.  So, largely, my thoughts haven't lingered on transgender needs, but, instead, my needs.  However, there are still thoughts and experiences worth recounting.

For a lot of us, when we "come out" as transgender, there is a necessary and painful breaking down of the walls or shell we've constructed around us.  Our lives suddenly become much more public and we stand ,open and unprotected, against the potential onslaught of judgement and recrimination.  It's a mixture of vulnerability and invulnerability, not at all stable, but with a sense of freedom.  I never realized while I was coming out of my shell I was also in a protective nest, surrounded by people and places familiar and safe.  Now I see I need to leave behind this second layer of security.

I am beginning to fly free of my nest more and more.  Connecting with new people and visiting new places where my  former identity is not known.  Some of the same fears and worries which assailed me as I first started this journey have resurfaced.  Do people notice that I'm 'different'?  Will there be ridicule or hate?  Am I accepted?  I think any person goes through these same feelings.  But perhaps for us, still developing a sense of who we are and facing society's prejudice, the feeling is intensified.

I have two particular examples to mention.  The first is getting a new job.  There are few moments where your identity is more under scrutiny then when you are interviewing.  Not only am I worried whether or not I can prove my technical proficiency and create a desire for my skills, I am also constantly thinking "does this person know I'm not a cisgender female?"  And if I were to receive this position I am now surrounded by total strangers, unknowns in the book of "for" or "against" transgenders.  This could be a moment to react in fear and try to disguise myself as much as possible, sort of pull the broken pieces of my shell back around me.  Thankfully, I've matured, and that's not what I will do.  This is an opportunity to introduce myself as the person I am and show why Wren is someone worth knowing.  I can ignore a lot of my past and focus on what I will become.  And I am looking forward to severing a very large connection to that past and no longer feeling as though I were a bookmark for someone else's story.

Which brings me to the second example.  My therapist continues to show interest in my intimate relationships, or lack.  I'm not a dummy.  Relationships are integral to accepting who I am and for my overall mental and emotional health.  And I think about it often enough, usually scoffing at the idea of getting involved with anyone while a part of me knows how much I miss and want an intimate connection.  While I can have a career and avoid reference or connection to my former identity, managing a relationship without my past is a lot more difficult.  If I meet someone and we are attracted to one another, but they don't know I am transgender, this is fine, for a while.  But, if we were to get to the point of them becoming someone special in my life, the rules change.  Because it isn't about that person judging me.  It's about my family, friends, and anyone else who knows I am transgender, judging them.  Now the person I care about is pushed in front of me to take the sticks and stones of people's prejudice.  And the doubts settle into my mind that anyone would want me enough to face that.  Oh, and they have to be open and understanding that there are things about me which will never be entirely female.  I've tried to develop a sense of humor (which is often more a feeling of being resigned) about this and focus on the things which I am very proud of.  But they are going to have to cope with those things as well.  And I don't want someone who is "into trans girls".  This is about them genuinely caring for who I am, not what (I've talked about that previously).  I am going to continue to treat relationships as I have been, holding intimacy at arms length until I'm ready.  This may not be the best approach, but I know it isn't a wrong one.


So I'm hatched, growing up, and ready to leave the nest behind.  As a young bird I still have
a lot of questions and doubts about what lies beyond.  Like any creature leaving the safety of home for the first time, I will have to learn on my own, one experience at a time.  Chin up, confident, and keeping my heart open to accept life as I want it to accept me.

Excuse Me Doctor. Is This Normal?

I can't feel my face and I have to learn how to do makeup all over again!  Oh, and no more glaring at inconsiderate people or frowning at my daughter.  My face can't make those expressions.  And don't ask about my hair.  I'm sure those patches will grow back *sigh*.

I decided not to blog during the first few weeks of surgery recovery.  There was far too much to absorb and recovery took enough of my energy to keep activities at a minimum.  I did share a picture of myself on Facebook only a few days after surgery and managed a few appearances at social activities during the holidays.

I feel ready to take the time, now, and record what has been happening, how I’ve been feeling, what was affected by surgery, and what my goals are.  And thank you all for your continued support and especially my best friend, Nicole, for looking after me almost around the clock during those first three miserable days (I did try to let her sleep).

Firstly, I wanted to say I completely underestimated the impact of my surgery.  Today marks three weeks in recovery.  There are still a lot of things I can’t do.  I picked up my daughter from the airport and we went grocery shopping.  She had to carry all her suitcases and had to carry the grocery bags as well!  

   The last major surgery where general anesthesia was administered to me was in 1995 when my wisdom teeth were removed.  Though I did my best to be prepared for this one, the discomfort and weakness was so uncustomary that it caught me by surprise.  Luckily my surgeon put a lot of attention into preparing and educating me on what to expect.  It may seem as though cosmetic surgery isn’t as serious as having something vital fixed, but it is every bit the same.  I underestimated how serious and real this was going to be.  Nonetheless I have recovered remarkably well and am steadily getting back to a normal activity level (anyone picturing a three-toed sloth as my normal energy level will be pinched!).

   Though I had several facial procedures planned I expected only a modest change.  I assumed the breast augmentation would be more dramatic.  I have found it to be very much the reverse.  The differences in my face are amazing.  My friends have unanimously remarked at the changes.  I’m looking forward to the result after full recovery.  And I have not experienced any nervousness, depression, or stress from the changes in my appearance.  Thankfully, because it is a common occurrence in post-surgery patients.  I can say this is the way I am on the inside and the way I want to express myself to the world.

   Somewhere along the way I got the idea that recovery was ‘done’ after 3 weeks and the rest was just lingering, long term, minor healing.  Again, I far underestimated post-surgery needs.   I say this to anyone considering cosmetic surgery.  Take it seriously and plan to be unavailable to work or friends for no less than 2 weeks.  I’m at the very end of week three and just now feeling a return of my stamina and energy.  I am still bruised and very obviously healing from a traumatic experience.  There are still stitches in places and soreness and numbness all over.  I thought I was being generous with my healing time, but truthfully I should have taken another week away from work.

The first couple days after surgery I was still flailing from anesthesia  and couldn’t accurately discern my feelings.  I did see myself in the mirror, but there was too much swelling and bruising to be able to look beyond at the changes.  Notice I keep saying changes or differences and not improvements?  Am I ecstatic at the ‘new’ me?  No, that really isn’t my style.  Everyday, though, my smile gets a little bigger and I am pleased with the results more and more.  As healing and time progresses that feeling is translated into a sense of wellbeing and happiness.  Which, in my opinion, is far more rewarding in the long run.  I think a few of my friends are waiting for the jump up and down and shout and celebrate response.  Let me say there will be no jumping for a looong while (ouch!) and I can’t shout because parts of my face are too tight (teasing, but no really).  I am celebrating and marveling at the success and magnitude of the changes to my face and body.  We’ll save the rest for a one year anniversary or something.

How does this surgery and the resulting changes affect my goals?  The biggest impact, honestly, is financial.  Beyond that, once healing is more complete and I’m not absorbed in caring for my wounds, I suspect my female role in society will be more cemented and comfortable.  To have outsides matching my insides is a big step.  Over the last year I’d already become much more natural as a woman and had very little trouble ‘blending’.  So it won’t be a shocker to continue being treated that way.  My goals are still to trim up and keep fit, maintain my mental acuity, be a positive role model among community and peers, and explore my spiritual awareness of the world.  My outlook hasn’t changed, only what I look out of!

I do hope to continue blogging and assume inspiration will come as it always has.  And I wish all of you a happy and productive 2014.

Obsessing...In a Good Way

I think I've been a little preachy on my blog the last few entries, despite my stated intentions.  Well, you know what they say about good intentions - they make great brimstone pavers!  I suppose I'm not going to hold myself in contempt for breaking the rules.  After all, they are more guidelines than actual rules.  I will try to keep things more informative, personal, and interesting.  I also need new topics to write about and I welcome ideas.

My cosmetic surgery is approaching much quicker than I anticipated.  But that's not a new feeling.  It happens all the time, like every holiday season when I am supposed to be baking cookies, sending out Christmas cards, shopping, and wrapping presents.  "What do you mean next week is Christmas??  Oops!"  Don't I wish time went by like that in the office!!  So I am excited about the impending event.  Nervous, clumsy, heady, happy, excited.  I'm expecting big things (nooo, not double-E's, stop it!).  Life changing big, on a level with someone losing 100 lbs in one day!  I know what you're thinking, "Wren, what about what you've been doing for the past three years??  Haven't you had enough life changing?"  No way!  This surgery is like the ultimate shopping trip, a perfect pair of shoes (they DO exist! I'm a believer.), a chocolate cake that doesn't go to your thighs (this DOESN'T exist, sorry!).

Am I putting things a little out of perspective.  Yep, a little.  Its human nature.  I can't help hoping for miraculousness.  But I think my heads in the right place, mostly.

The technical stuff is that I am having some feminizing and invigorating (the word that comes to mind is youth-enizing but that's...umm...wrong) surgery done on my face and also getting breast augmentation.  I decided to do this back in early summer and first had the idea in February.  My best friend puts it a different way - she would say I've been obsessing on it since February.  And the first thing everyone has said to me when they hear about my plans is ... "beauty is only skin deep" ... "don't cater to stereotypes of female appearance" ... "God makes us all unique and special" ...  Nooo, none of that was brought up though I'm a bit surprised it wasn't.  Let's see the correct answers gameshow style!

The Top 5 Things People Said to Wren When They Heard About Her Cosmetic Surgery Plans were...

...

#5 "Do you want to look like that when you're 50?"

...

#4 "Oh I would love to get some work done too!"

...

#3 "How big are you boobs going to get?"

...

#2 "What are you having done?"

...

And the #1 thing people said to me when I mentioned planning for cosmetic surgery is... "You don't need it.  You look great the way you are."

First, thank you to everyone who said I didn't need it.  That felt good ♥.  Second, I think the ones who asked #3 are probably a little bit jealous.  And third, YES I want to look like that when I'm 50!

I am probably going to blog about the surgery and recovery experience in my next entry...maybe even a horrible picture of me as a Christmas Troll!!  

Back to the point.  It was incredibly important to me that my reasons for having cosmetic surgery were on the up and up.  What other people think is really not important by comparison.  I do tend to overthink and analyze my decisions, but it is entirely possible to fool myself into believing I need something (i.e. non-genetically engineered chocolate cake...mmm) and find out later how shallow that need really was.  One of the big disclaimers on any cosmetic procedure is to be prepared for depression and feelings of doubt about your changes a couple weeks after surgery.  I assume if its listed so frequently it must be a fairly common occurrence.  In fact, reading my preparation and post op paperwork was scarier than going to a Stephen King cosplay convention *shiver*.  Over and over the message was very clear - I had better KNOW this is what I want and be prepared for the outcome.  

This isn't daunting me.  My desire is every bit as strong as when I walked in to the surgeon's office the first time.  Simply put, going through transition has empowered me to fix things I don't like about myself.  This isn't about being female enough or good looking enough or how to spend my daughter's inheritance.  This is a purely personal experience, much the way transitioning has been.  I am not trying to be perfect or change who I am.  I just want to be a little bit prouder, a little happier, and a little closer to how I see myself.  That's all and it is worth it.  And its not the only thing I've planned on "fixing".  Self improvement is a life long process.  

Wish me luck! 

“No matter who you are, no matter what you did, no matter where you've come from, you can always change, become a better version of yourself.” 

― Madonna

Case of a Missing Person?

I never expected to have such abundance of pleasure and happiness in transitioning to a woman.  In fact I feel sadness looking back at all the years that I lived under a self-imposed falseness, not even realizing the level of my dissatisfaction, considering it a tribulation of our species

“What [tribulation] did you get?” “Oh, I have extreme myopia and I’m terrible with names.  How about you?” “Me? I was born in the wrong gender. I know, life sucks right?”

I’m enjoying my role as a female in our society, if for no other reason than that I am finally on the correct side of the equation.  And I’m allowed to show my feelings in public now!  On an emotional level I think liberation by transition might be the best thing that has ever happened to me (well, at least tied with having a daughter). 

When you begin a journey as significant and profound as transitioning from male to female there are going to be some surprises.  Not, “Ooo its my birthday, what did you get me?” surprises, but, the standing in the grocery store staring at the frozen vegetables in the freezer section and sobbing inconsolably for no reason, sort of surprises.  Even the changes  I’ve researched or been warned about come as a bit of a shock with their intensity and unfamiliarity.  I have felt a little like having a twin sister that has followed me around my entire life, sometimes impersonating me, but never making herself known, and now we are embracing as best friends, sharing all our experiences. 

I’m not saying that there is a “male” me and a “female” me.  That’s not the least bit true.  But after 30 years of playing the role of a cis-gendered guy, no-one would be surprised by a few awkward feelings in accepting and opening to a whole new experience.  And one of the most surprising and significant impacts from my transition has been on my outward personality!  I say outward because I don’t want anyone to send a white van with friendly staff in starched scrubs to deliver a strait jacket and bottle of Thorazine like a mailman dropping off a parcel.  There’s only room for one ego in my head – trust me I don’t have MPD.  A better way to put it is that parts of my nature and personality are becoming more dominant and others are now more subordinate.  But the changes are profound enough I really do come across like a completely different person.

I have a few thoughts why this is and they are all pretty obvious.  One are my changing hormones and body chemistry.  Another is the losing of the protective shell that’s kept the real me safe from the world.  And the last is a need to redefine my role as a woman in society.  But do any of these suggestions offer an explanation for the almost uninhibited change in me?  Where I used to be quiet, moody, one could almost say stern, I’ve become animated, excitable, emotional, and (gasp) happy!  My interests have altered along with my needs.  Even the way I see the world has taken a big giant shift to the left (didn’t you feel the Earth give a skip when that happened?  I did!).

Well, OK, so it probably is relatively easy to explain the causes behind this alteration of my behavior, personality, thought processes, and pleasures.  All of those reasons mentioned above are involved in what has happened and so is simply the joy of living as myself.  But the twin of Cause is Effect and it’s the effect on my life that I have noticed and wanted to share.

As I said in my earlier paragraph, some of these changes are surprising, even if they were expected.  I’m not sure if I’ve illustrated just how significant my life has been altered by the shift in my personality and the way I see the world.  It is difficult to identify all the effects.  Needs, expectations, entitlement, plans, goals, attractions, friendships, family…life has changed regardless of how much I wanted or expected it to.  And it isn’t just me noticing the differences.  More than once people have remarked that I seem like a different person, some in doubt that I am that person at all.  Not being recognized by someone who used to know you is a strange feeling.  I want to shout, “its me…really, you know me”. 

Not all the changes seem for the best.  My friends, acquaintances, and family have to readjust their image of who I am and for some this isn’t a welcome experience because they like the way I used to be.  If I did have a twin sister, would my friends like her as much as they liked me?  I don’t know how much I can expect of them to “go along with it”.  A good Buddhist might say do not try to cling to something, but let it flow like water through your fingers and enjoy it while it is abundant.  In other words, friendships are not necessarily meant to last and we should be happy for the time and experiences we’ve shared.  Most of my friends assured me my being a trans-woman did not bother them…that does not mean they will automatically be fond of the “new” me.  And I want them to know this is OK, it does not mean they are prejudiced, just that it is time to let experiences become cherished memories.   I feel like a lot of people who go through transition get confused by the difference between prejudice and change.  Would it have been any different if you went through a debilitating illness or were permanently disabled?  Would those friends who are used to going with you hiking and camping and rock climbing and free running still want to hang out?  If the answer is no, is it because they are prejudiced against disabled people?  Of course not! People change as do all things.

Just like with my friendships, I feel it is important not to grasp, out of desperation, at my life as it has been.  Transitioning has exposed more than my inner self (and I don’t mean if you went online and searched my name you’d find nude photos!!).  There are other areas in my life where I’ve been content to let things be mediocre.  Now that I know I don’t have to settle for that, I want to expend some of this new found power to making changes there too.  I don’t think success should be measured by how far you’ve come, but by how happy you are.  And, in that too, I am a stranger to the people surrounding me.  If I’m not careful, they’ll be calling in a witchdoctor to expel the Wren doppelganger!

One of the first necessary steps to transitioning is getting over the fear of going through it.  And a large part of that is fear of change (and secret government agencies who received a tip off that you might be an alien interloper disguised as human).  But remember we aren’t the only ones who experience that change and may not be the only one afraid of it.

The Definition of a definition

How is Transgender defined?  The WPATH Standards of Care of transgender people says transgender is an adjective to describe a diverse group of individuals who cross or transcend culturally defined categories of gender.  Yep, sounds like legal speak to me.  The most blanket definition I've heard is transgender is someone who perceives and expresses themselves, to any degree, as a gender other than their gender at birth.  And yet another definition I've heard is that transgender indicates a person in the process of changing their expression of gender, outwardly, from male to female or vice-verse, meaning  that once the transition is over, they aren't really transgender anymore.  OK, that one makes my head hurt.

I can’t validate or refute any of these definitions despite a rather intimate perspective, though I realize those striving for equal treatment and respect for transgender people are trying very hard for consensus and common definitions among our community. 

Notice that none of the definitions above refer to Transgender as a condition, illness, emotional disorder, or being broken.  I’m not going to go deeper on that, but unfortunately there is a lot of insistence from some that we are sick.  My answer is hold your head high and don’t be ashamed of what you are (just be careful) because there’s nothing wrong with you.

Let’s take a tangent approach.  How is cisgender defined?  I like the online definition:  an individual's self-perception of their gender matches the sex they were assigned at birth.  Simple right?  Ok, how is female defined?  The dictionary, very helpfully provides two definitions:  1. of or denoting the sex that can bear offspring or produce eggs, distinguished biologically by the production of gametes (ova) that can be fertilized by male gametes.  2. a person bearing two X chromosomes in the cell nuclei and normally having a vagina, a uterus and ovaries, and developing at puberty a relatively rounded body and enlarged breasts, and retaining a beardless face; a girl or woman.  Hmm, I know a lot of cisgender women who don’t match either of those definitions.  Lastly, the dictionary definition of woman is, an adult female human being (see the definition of female above…I’m hoping we don’t need to go into the definition of human being!).

Right now you are wondering, Ok, so what Wren, what the heck are you bothering with all of this for?  Well really, who has time for dusty tomes of the English language and, unless they've lived under a rock, everyone should pretty much know what a female is.  Thank you, that’s exactly my point!  I was sitting with my therapist, discussing the future (specifically mine), and I made the comment, “Do I want to become an extraordinary Trans-woman or an ordinary woman?”  Well honey (yes I have pet names for myself.  It comes from spending a lot of time single…shush!), based on the definitions so far I can’t be a cisgender female.  It sounds like I’m transgender no matter what I do.  Am I missing something??

Oh but wait, often our meaning for a term or how we define something focuses on what we think it is or should be, and isn't “Webster-approved” at all!  It kinda reminds me of watching a lesson on logic in my mom’s grade school classroom. 

Toby likes football.  All men like football.  Therefore Toby is a man.   If you passed grade school logic you’ll realize this is not a true statement.  But kids will argue for hours that their dads and uncles sit in front of the TV every weekend and watch football so it must be true!!

So perception and education play a role.  What about interpretation?  Would a cross dresser be transgender?  How about a castrated man?  What about a cisgender female who has had a hysterectomy?  In other words it can be difficult to promote a single definition when someone may or may not choose to use that term to describe themselves or may not fall under that definition and use it to describe themselves anyway. 

Alright, moving forward and keeping in mind definitions can be fluid and vary by perception.  What did I mean by my statement of being transgender versus being a woman?  I was referring to a social classification, a category to fit into based on outward and inward appearance and expression.  It sounds simple, but one of the benefits of being transgender is nothing is ever simple.  For example, if I still have male genitals then I am obviously not a woman by most definitions.  But, I live life as a woman and, thankfully modesty is still in-fashion, nobody sees my erroneous genitalia.  So the uninformed person will perceive me as a woman. 

Cool, so I can ignore classical definitions and be female?  Probably, but there are still some gray areas (Not on top of my head!  Shame on you for insinuating I am old).  I do have male parts very much connected to my body.  I have a historical record which repeatedly points out my birth gender as male.  And I went through puberty pumped up on testosterone, leaving me with a masculine heritage in appearance.  All of which hearkens to my being transgender and not a cisgender female.  If I were to transition further with GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery) and do my best to blend into society as a woman (blending means to be indistinguishable in public as anything but female), I can’t picture making it into any beauty competition finals, talking about my past would be very awkward, and there would probably always be that worry about how well I am blending.  On the other hand if I choose to remain openly Transgender (or Transsexual or whatever term you prefer) I enjoy the freedom to recognize my past, be proud of my genetics and ability to blend as a woman, and maybe or maybe not keep that extra, male bit.  In that latter situation, however, I will continue to be an outcast to much of society, probably have a lot smaller list of compatible dating options, and experience employment and social discrimination (yes, this is extremely real and current).

I’m not seeing the scales tipping enormously one way or the other.  As is so often the case when I just want an answer, there is none (see rule 1 of being transgender – nothing is ever simple).  Or maybe there never comes a point when I will need or want to choose.  I’m interested how I will define myself in the coming year as I go through cosmetic surgery.  I hesitate to call it corrective surgery, but shouldn't it be?  I’m putting right a cosmic accident, after all, becoming the gender I was meant to be.  Unless… gender isn't a binary system and definitions are only a way for us to communicate like ideas.  Hmmm.

"Do or Do Not..." Is that My Only Choice?

The Moffat Railroad tunnel runs under James Peak starting just west of Rollinsville and ending outside Winter Park.  Its 6.2 miles long and no matter how hard I stare into the black depths I don't see very far.  The tunnel only has one train track laid and no place to turn around.  When a train goes in the only option is to keep going until it comes out again on the far side.

Transitioning, when I began, felt like that for me.  There didn't seem to be any path for which the way was certain and ended in peace.  Between my own fears and what I learned from others I saw misery, whether I transitioned or remained as I was.  And I believed once I started a path there wouldn't be any other choice but to keep going until I was through.  Like the Moffat tunnel, the future was unknowable from the starting point and that was scary.  It was the first time in my life where I had no faith in my destiny.  And no little green guy standing beside me to assure me this is the only way.

It is a testament to my need to become who I truly am that I stepped into the dark despite my misgivings, fears, and beliefs.  Aside from preparing for the worst, as so many had indicated could and would happen, I was deliberately giving up a lot of my hopes and plans for the future.  Transitioning felt, in my mind, like voluntarily ostracizing myself from society.  Just like becoming a Jedi meant a life apart, lonely and austere I believed transgender was a who, not a what and forever set me at odds with the world.  Transgender Wren surely would not be able to travel abroad or have a well paying career.  Transgender Wren would never see her dream of living next to the ocean come true.  Transgender Wren wouldn't be invited to play reindeer games... and a lot more.  In fact it was like looking at a list and crossing off all the things on it and replacing it with one giant checkbox - TRANSITION.

I'm not sure I ever fully articulated to anyone my feeling that transitioning took the place of every other goal in my life.  I mean, who's going to understand, other than another transgender.  It's only very recently, 3 years along, that I'm realizing the narrowness of my view.  Realistically, transitioning isn't actually like that.  It isn't being put in a plastic bubble or being made a zoo exhibit.  There are some I am around regularly who come pretty close to considering me an experiment.  Curiosity is not wrong, but it needs to be conducted with a little bit of tact and respect.  I try to correct them in the gentlest way possible.  This isn't a battle, lightsabers crackling and flashing as I bludgeon the other person into understanding me!

I can't say for sure I've traversed the entire length of the tunnel, faced the darkness and am seeing the light on the other side.  But, all of a sudden, I feel like I can pull out my list of unfinished dreams, goals, and ambitions, and write them back in.  Because I'm not just a transgendered woman.  I am also capable of pursuing other desires.  And, oddly, my first meeting with my "dark side" has built strength in me where none lived before.  I think one saving grace was denying myself the option of hiding away from the world on some far away swamp planet.  Yes it is safer and more comfortable, but evolution doesn't happen in such environments.  There isn't much to be learned staying in night after night.  I could practice blow drying and makeup techniques over and over until my fingers were numb.  How would I emerge from that scenario?  Like an effeminate man who is very good at makeup and hair and cross dresses?  The only way to understand my role in society as a woman and amass decades of knowledge is by doing it the same way I learned how to be a man...getting out there and living.  

Curious as to what's on Wren's to do list?  I think that should wait for another time.  So I'll wrap this blog up with a little quote.

"It is not in the stars to hold our destiny, but in ourselves."  - William Shakespeare
or in Yoda's words, "May the Force be with you."

You Completed the Obstacle Course, Congratulations...Do It Again

We, all of us, every person I've ever met, has wants, needs, and goals.  I think that kinda sums up the meaning of life in a vague way.  To give up on any one of these things is to give up on tomorrow.  What happens, though, when a need or want or goal seems unattainable?  Or the one place or person you can get it from is denied you?

Its a downright horrible awful really not good feeling, that's what!!!  Ok, sorry, I promise no emotional snowballs in the face today.  But really, this is something you must be prepared for when you consciously take a step forward in transition.  And unlike being so hungry you are willing to take a chance on a rather seedy looking greasy spoon or an open bag of M&Ms you found under your car seat, the obstacles awaiting someone planning to transition are not so easily overcome, but the compulsion and need is no less strong.

I can think of four whoppers (don't ask me where the term whopper came from, you won't like the answer!!) right off the bat that stand between me and my goal of transitioning and living life as a woman.

1. Money
2. Relationships
3. Personal Satisfaction
4. Time Travel (am I joking?)

Let's get Money out of the way right now.  Unfortunately, it is a necessary element to produce the chemical reaction of :

gender 1 + x + y + money = gender 2  Well that's what I'd like, but its more of this

(gender 1 + x + y)/money = gender 2 And you can't divide by ZERO

Transitioning has cost me thousands of dollars including, doctor visits, prescriptions, therapy, laser treatments, wardrobes, makeup, hair salons, and cosmetic surgery.  And I have a very good job (knock on wood), but I can't go any faster than I have resources to cover.  This is a blessing in disguise - more about that another time.  But for some, this is a seemingly insurmountable obstacle.  This is that 400lb guy in a football uniform standing between you and the goal post.  Believe me, being tackled and crushed by him is probably a close approximation to the feeling of helplessness when the dollars aren't adding up on the right side of the equation.  Is there hope - yes, of course.  But its not easy, its not guaranteed, and its not quick!  My humble suggestion is to plan out your transition goals before you start and be sure you aren't trying to divide by zero at any point in the process.

Moving on....wait for it...kettle drums please...relationships.  There are three types of relationships I am talking about.  The first and the one that comes to everyone's mind is the existence of meaningful people in your life that you care about and expect they care about you.  The second is the immediate and first impression or presentation you make anytime you're in public and how that affects your interactions.  The third is similar to the second, but is more affected by your actions than your appearance and is the changing role you take in interpersonal connections, conversations at work, dealing with your boss, chatting over lunch, and all those skills you never knew you needed.

 So first - Love/friendship.  A brilliant thing that keeps us from becoming like Tom Hanks talking to Wilson, his best friend who happens to be a volleyball.  Whether we ask for it or feel like we need it, the care and concern from those close to us lifts us beyond what we can accomplish on our own.  But they are all human and have the same amount of free will the rest of us got and not all of them are going to want to take that transition journey with you.  And that hurts, lay down on an anthill and cover yourself in honey kind of hurt.  Even the ones you don't think mean that much can cause a lot of pain by rejecting you.  Here again, this can seem like the Mt Everest of challenges when it comes to a loved one who isn't returning your phone calls and told you they never want to speak to you again.  I can't leave this topic without offering some tips that helped me.  Most of us have heard these before.  Offer to the people you tell about your transition that you are taking the path to your happiness...they don't want you to be unhappy do they?  Try try try not to get defensive or shy.  Answer their questions honestly and openly and show that you are not ashamed and still the same person they care about.  Avoid being flamboyant in appearance when you break the news, letting them soak up the shock of one revelation without having to get past the visual of seeing you like they've never imagined you before.  And make sure they know you love them and are not abandoning them, but if they can't accept you for who you are, it may not be possible for you to be a part of their life anymore.  That helps to turn the table, suggesting you are going to withdraw rather than letting them use that threat.  And lastly, don't underestimate the care and affection you can receive from your group of peers, who will understand you better than anyone else.  If you have to abandon one family, you will have another to come to.

Next - Community.  How you present yourself and the environment you live in makes a huge difference in the way you are treated.  Enough said?  I realize we aren't supposed to be overly concerned about what people think of us.  I like the saying, "What you think of me is none of my business".  But your appearance, your actions, and your confidence are the currency of community relationships whether its the grocery store clerk, the woman helping you size your bra, or the software vendor who's meeting you for the first time.  My suggestion is to practice like you've never practiced before.  Learn how to take care of your hair, your makeup, selecting fashions, and making a friendly positive impression on people.  Smile and make eye contact (unless you are in one of those cultures where making eye contact is really really bad).  People will be more willing to forgive "oddness" when you wear it well :)

Lastly - Evolving Roles.  There are two changes in my life so profound I could not have known what it was like before experiencing it.  One was raising a daughter.  The other was transitioning.  Men and women have different roles in society, different expectations, different ways of behaving, speaking, and dealing with every day life.  Unless you want to be constantly uncomfortable, this is very important to figure out.  My therapist calls it Intellectual transition.  As a woman, I can not expect the same treatment from my boss and coworkers as I used to.  Going to get my car fixed...you'd better believe the guy at the counter treats me a whole lot different as a woman.  Its so amazingly obvious I don't know how I could have been oblivious to it before.  Well, because I'd only lived as one gender.  No really, you won't get this one until you experience it.

Wow, ok so relationships was a huge category.  I forget what was next!  Oh wait, personal satisfaction.  This is easy to sum up.  Nobody is ever 100% satisfied with who they are.  That goes back to my very first sentence.  But, if you stand in the mirror and cry every time you look at yourself.  Or grind your teeth whenever someone comments on how tall you are for a woman.  Or it chafes your hide to be "sir"ed on the phone you know what I'm talking about.  Transitioning never happens fast enough or is as successful as we want it to be.  Well meaning advice - there are hundreds of books about positive thinking, changing for success, and all that.  And almost all of them will tell you how to take a "failure" and turn it into fuel for change.  No, it is impractical to think you can be shorter, younger, have smaller feet or a higher voice.  But you weren't going to get that from Day 1 - stop worrying over the unlikely and make the positive changes where you can.  Remember, you did this to be happy and whole.

Lastly, da da dum da...time travel.  I told you it wasn't a joke.  Transitioning is a journey and journeys take time.  Most of us wish we had started at a younger age or knew what we'd be like in 20 years.  Darlings, that isn't going to happen.  STOP - you can't time travel.  Looking back or looking forward isn't helping.  Buckle up, grab some beef jerky and a bottle of energy drink because its going to be a loooooong trip.  Stay alert, take time to look around and appreciate your surroundings.  Keep your mood light - because no one likes to ride in a car with somebody who looks like they're about to chew glass.  

Congratulate yourself for moving beyond social stigmas and being held captive.  Allow the metamorphosis to change you in amazing ways and show off your wings proudly.  Because life doesn't happen if you have no hope for tomorrow.