Its a downright horrible awful really not good feeling, that's what!!! Ok, sorry, I promise no emotional snowballs in the face today. But really, this is something you must be prepared for when you consciously take a step forward in transition. And unlike being so hungry you are willing to take a chance on a rather seedy looking greasy spoon or an open bag of M&Ms you found under your car seat, the obstacles awaiting someone planning to transition are not so easily overcome, but the compulsion and need is no less strong.
I can think of four whoppers (don't ask me where the term whopper came from, you won't like the answer!!) right off the bat that stand between me and my goal of transitioning and living life as a woman.
- Money
- Relationships
- Personal Satisfaction
- Time Travel (am I joking?)
Let's get Money out of the way right now. Unfortunately, it is a necessary element to produce the chemical reaction of :
gender 1 + x + y + money = gender 2 Well that's what I'd like, but its more of this
(gender 1 + x + y)/money = gender 2 And you can't divide by ZERO
Transitioning has cost me thousands of dollars including, doctor visits, prescriptions, therapy, laser treatments, wardrobes, makeup, hair salons, and cosmetic surgery. And I have a very good job (knock on wood), but I can't go any faster than I have resources to cover. This is a blessing in disguise - more about that another time. But for some, this is a seemingly insurmountable obstacle. This is that 400lb guy in a football uniform standing between you and the goal post. Believe me, being tackled and crushed by him is probably a close approximation to the feeling of helplessness when the dollars aren't adding up on the right side of the equation. Is there hope - yes, of course. But its not easy, its not guaranteed, and its not quick! My humble suggestion is to plan out your transition goals before you start and be sure you aren't trying to divide by zero at any point in the process.
Moving on....wait for it...kettle drums please...relationships. There are three types of relationships I am talking about. The first and the one that comes to everyone's mind is the existence of meaningful people in your life that you care about and expect they care about you. The second is the immediate and first impression or presentation you make anytime you're in public and how that affects your interactions. The third is similar to the second, but is more affected by your actions than your appearance and is the changing role you take in interpersonal connections, conversations at work, dealing with your boss, chatting over lunch, and all those skills you never knew you needed.
So first - Love/friendship. A brilliant thing that keeps us from becoming like Tom Hanks talking to Wilson, his best friend who happens to be a volleyball. Whether we ask for it or feel like we need it, the care and concern from those close to us lifts us beyond what we can accomplish on our own. But they are all human and have the same amount of free will the rest of us got and not all of them are going to want to take that transition journey with you. And that hurts, lay down on an anthill and cover yourself in honey kind of hurt. Even the ones you don't think mean that much can cause a lot of pain by rejecting you. Here again, this can seem like the Mt Everest of challenges when it comes to a loved one who isn't returning your phone calls and told you they never want to speak to you again. I can't leave this topic without offering some tips that helped me. Most of us have heard these before. Offer to the people you tell about your transition that you are taking the path to your happiness...they don't want you to be unhappy do they? Try try try not to get defensive or shy. Answer their questions honestly and openly and show that you are not ashamed and still the same person they care about. Avoid being flamboyant in appearance when you break the news, letting them soak up the shock of one revelation without having to get past the visual of seeing you like they've never imagined you before. And make sure they know you love them and are not abandoning them, but if they can't accept you for who you are, it may not be possible for you to be a part of their life anymore. That helps to turn the table, suggesting you are going to withdraw rather than letting them use that threat. And lastly, don't underestimate the care and affection you can receive from your group of peers, who will understand you better than anyone else. If you have to abandon one family, you will have another to come to.
Next - Community. How you present yourself and the environment you live in makes a huge difference in the way you are treated. Enough said? I realize we aren't supposed to be overly concerned about what people think of us. I like the saying, "What you think of me is none of my business". But your appearance, your actions, and your confidence are the currency of community relationships whether its the grocery store clerk, the woman helping you size your bra, or the software vendor who's meeting you for the first time. My suggestion is to practice like you've never practiced before. Learn how to take care of your hair, your makeup, selecting fashions, and making a friendly positive impression on people. Smile and make eye contact (unless you are in one of those cultures where making eye contact is really really bad). People will be more willing to forgive "oddness" when you wear it well :)
Lastly - Evolving Roles. There are two changes in my life so profound I could not have known what it was like before experiencing it. One was raising a daughter. The other was transitioning. Men and women have different roles in society, different expectations, different ways of behaving, speaking, and dealing with every day life. Unless you want to be constantly uncomfortable, this is very important to figure out. My therapist calls it Intellectual transition. As a woman, I can not expect the same treatment from my boss and coworkers as I used to. Going to get my car fixed...you'd better believe the guy at the counter treats me a whole lot different as a woman. Its so amazingly obvious I don't know how I could have been oblivious to it before. Well, because I'd only lived as one gender. No really, you won't get this one until you experience it.
Wow, ok so relationships was a huge category. I forget what was next! Oh wait, personal satisfaction. This is easy to sum up. Nobody is ever 100% satisfied with who they are. That goes back to my very first sentence. But, if you stand in the mirror and cry every time you look at yourself. Or grind your teeth whenever someone comments on how tall you are for a woman. Or it chafes your hide to be "sir"ed on the phone you know what I'm talking about. Transitioning never happens fast enough or is as successful as we want it to be. Well meaning advice - there are hundreds of books about positive thinking, changing for success, and all that. And almost all of them will tell you how to take a "failure" and turn it into fuel for change. No, it is impractical to think you can be shorter, younger, have smaller feet or a higher voice. But you weren't going to get that from Day 1 - stop worrying over the unlikely and make the positive changes where you can. Remember, you did this to be happy and whole.
Lastly, da da dum da...time travel. I told you it wasn't a joke. Transitioning is a journey and journeys take time. Most of us wish we had started at a younger age or knew what we'd be like in 20 years. Darlings, that isn't going to happen. STOP - you can't time travel. Looking back or looking forward isn't helping. Buckle up, grab some beef jerky and a bottle of energy drink because its going to be a loooooong trip. Stay alert, take time to look around and appreciate your surroundings. Keep your mood light - because no one likes to ride in a car with somebody who looks like they're about to chew glass.
Congratulate yourself for moving beyond social stigmas and being held captive. Allow the metamorphosis to change you in amazing ways and show off your wings proudly. Because life doesn't happen if you have no hope for tomorrow.
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