conflicted by some of the things I read there. I didn't want to have to see a therapist about my gender issues. I didn't want to have to live as a woman before I would be prescribed hormones (who really wants to be a woman with a 5 o'clock shadow). The whole process seemed to have been created to discourage transitioning or punish those of us who dare to walk that path. But, being the good law abiding person that I am, I determined to follow the steps as written. Besides, if I didn't like it I could just find another way!
Locating a transgender friendly doctor and therapist was easy. On-line resources are far superior to available resources 30 years ago. There was a lot of literature relating to gender issues. So many horror stories of violence and suicide and destitution and rejection that I was crying despite being firmly in the grasp of my masculinity. And so much of the information was misleading too! Getting away from the dozens of blogs and seeking professional advice was the very best thing I could have done and luckily, that's exactly what I did!
Last week I met with my therapist and we were relating back to when I first stomped through her door, clearly intending to go through the motions so I could get on with the important transition stuff. I have a hard time remembering what I was like, besides telling her I didn't see the value of therapy because there was nothing wrong with me and I didn't see how anyone could go by the gender care suggestions, those were so idiotic. My therapist jogged my memory by suggesting a couple adjectives about me back then, saying basically I was hard headed, obstinate, and walking around with a huge male ego. Thankfully, things are quite a lot different now. Even my best friend says I am nothing like the person I was. And speaking of changes I want to skip ahead to something important...just for a moment.
Transitioning genders, especially once hormone treatments start, is a lot like becoming a parent. You can read every piece of literature, talk to others, observe your friends going through it, buy all the stuff, go to classes, whatever, and nothing, nothing, nothing will prepare you for the reality. The significance of the changes are profound. Its not just that my high school class wouldn't recognize my face anymore. I express my emotions in a very different way. My thought processes have changed significantly. Life among my fellow humans is nothing like what it was a couple years ago. Some of these changes are obvious, but some of them catch me by surprise or I don't recognize them until something happens to point it out. Yah, I'm not good with recognizing subtlety. Just a note, if you're trying to pick me up in a bar, you're going to have a hard time getting my attention without stepping on my foot!
What's happening to me isn't a bad thing. I don't feel lost or confused about who I am and nothing feels wrong. Its kinda like growing up. There are moments of total confusion, but most of the time I'm adjusting and don't realize it until someone stops and points it out. And it isn't all to do with my internal workings. Society, unfortunately, has defined roles for men and women and I'm finding myself now in the female camp. It's an eye opener just how different genders are treated in the workplace and on the street. To illustrate, now that I'm a woman, I'm not taken as seriously by my boss or coworkers, but I rarely have to open my own door. This is a big part of what my therapist calls intellectual transitioning and, just as I said in sentence number one, I thought I was prepared and what a fool I am.
Jumping back in time, I had a lot of trouble accepting that my therapist really did want me to have the best transition I could. The path that was suggested to me seemed completely out of order, unnecessarily difficult, and promised to take 4 x longer than I wanted. To my surprise, it was the best thing that could have happened to me. Because here I stand now (6'2" in heels for those who just had to be curious) and the only discomfort I feel is what to say to the guy in the grocery store when he's flirting with me. I'm not worried about my job - my coworkers support me and the Human Resources department made it very clear that harassment and discrimination would not be tolerated. I'm not worried about my family - they've had time, through the long process to be accustomed to each change as it occurred or we've parted ways. I'm not worried about my state of mind - my transition has happened at a natural pace with support at every step. I'm not worried about the future - things are only going to get better from here!
So, though I promised not to, I offer up this advice. The professionals really are the experts and it does not hurt to set aside egos, insecurities, adrenaline laced timelines, and just listen and try to understand. In most cases, they have your best interests at heart and are as eager as you to see yourself happy.
And I'm happy (even when I'm crying).
Wren ♥
