In those Fairy Tales I read growing up I never realized nearly all of them start off awkwardly. The main character finds themselves in a position that they would never willingly have chosen. They look towards the future and the possibility of riches and success. And the hero or heroine does something unexpected, risky, crazy even to change the path of their life. They put everything they have into that leap, sweat, blood, tears, overcoming their doubts and pushing on against all odds.Sound familiar? Uh-huh, yeah, pretty much that's what transitioning was for me. And I'm not finished, but the riches have been a deep sense of self, accomplishment, and happiness I never expected because I didn't truthfully know what that felt like!
Two years ago, my outward appearance, character, and personality started to shift as I began transitioning publicly. Every day started with excitement, nervousness and oh how awkward I felt leaving the house in my semi-androgynous outfit. My inner self was incongruous with my outer self and everything felt a little bit out of sync. Occasionally I would throw caution completely to the wind, doing something I'd never done before like wearing a ridiculously noticeable shade of lipstick or nail polish, putting on a skirt, raising my voice to a higher pitch, experimenting, trying on different me's. I didn't need rouge for my cheeks, most of the time they were red with blushing! But, I did take risks and do foolish crazy things because the need was in me to do it. There was no guarantee of riches at the end of the journey and no one to hold my hand.
Another very memorable instance was a trip to Vegas with friends over Christmas of the same year. I decided there was no fear in showing who and what I was and spent the weekend not hiding my transition at all. I was far more confident than 6 months previous. Over dinner one evening one of my friends asked me if I thought I was attractive like this. Um...holy shit...really? Yah I kinda lost it and had to apologize later, but what I said (or yelled I think) was something like , "No, I know I look ridiculous and I don't f*ing care what people think because this is what I am and what I want". But that wasn't really true. I wasn't who I wanted to be on the outside. I was full of frustration at not being able to make that connection and sooo self conscious. Because I really did care, too, what people thought of me.
But I didn't quit and I didn't balk at taking the next step, then another, then another...
I was back at Pride this year. And it was a wholly different experience. I felt like a phoenix bursting from the ashes of my past. Here was a person exuding confidence in who she is, competent in her appearance, outgoing, and obviously happy. The experience is difficult to describe, beyond saying it was awesome. And a lesson that fairy tales are not just for putting children to bed. Belief, desire, and strength can and will lead to a brighter future. But its not going to be easy. I've been fortunate in my transition compared to what so many have to endure. And the journey is not necessarily right for everyone who starts down this path. But it was, and still is, right for me.
Sometimes, when I look in the mirror and the self-criticism starts, I just need to take a moment to widen my gaze and my mind and be reminded there is a wondrous place just beyond the looking glass. And take that awkward first step.
