Obsessing...In a Good Way

I think I've been a little preachy on my blog the last few entries, despite my stated intentions.  Well, you know what they say about good intentions - they make great brimstone pavers!  I suppose I'm not going to hold myself in contempt for breaking the rules.  After all, they are more guidelines than actual rules.  I will try to keep things more informative, personal, and interesting.  I also need new topics to write about and I welcome ideas.

My cosmetic surgery is approaching much quicker than I anticipated.  But that's not a new feeling.  It happens all the time, like every holiday season when I am supposed to be baking cookies, sending out Christmas cards, shopping, and wrapping presents.  "What do you mean next week is Christmas??  Oops!"  Don't I wish time went by like that in the office!!  So I am excited about the impending event.  Nervous, clumsy, heady, happy, excited.  I'm expecting big things (nooo, not double-E's, stop it!).  Life changing big, on a level with someone losing 100 lbs in one day!  I know what you're thinking, "Wren, what about what you've been doing for the past three years??  Haven't you had enough life changing?"  No way!  This surgery is like the ultimate shopping trip, a perfect pair of shoes (they DO exist! I'm a believer.), a chocolate cake that doesn't go to your thighs (this DOESN'T exist, sorry!).

Am I putting things a little out of perspective.  Yep, a little.  Its human nature.  I can't help hoping for miraculousness.  But I think my heads in the right place, mostly.

The technical stuff is that I am having some feminizing and invigorating (the word that comes to mind is youth-enizing but that's...umm...wrong) surgery done on my face and also getting breast augmentation.  I decided to do this back in early summer and first had the idea in February.  My best friend puts it a different way - she would say I've been obsessing on it since February.  And the first thing everyone has said to me when they hear about my plans is ... "beauty is only skin deep" ... "don't cater to stereotypes of female appearance" ... "God makes us all unique and special" ...  Nooo, none of that was brought up though I'm a bit surprised it wasn't.  Let's see the correct answers gameshow style!

The Top 5 Things People Said to Wren When They Heard About Her Cosmetic Surgery Plans were...

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#5 "Do you want to look like that when you're 50?"

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#4 "Oh I would love to get some work done too!"

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#3 "How big are you boobs going to get?"

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#2 "What are you having done?"

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And the #1 thing people said to me when I mentioned planning for cosmetic surgery is... "You don't need it.  You look great the way you are."

First, thank you to everyone who said I didn't need it.  That felt good ♥.  Second, I think the ones who asked #3 are probably a little bit jealous.  And third, YES I want to look like that when I'm 50!

I am probably going to blog about the surgery and recovery experience in my next entry...maybe even a horrible picture of me as a Christmas Troll!!  

Back to the point.  It was incredibly important to me that my reasons for having cosmetic surgery were on the up and up.  What other people think is really not important by comparison.  I do tend to overthink and analyze my decisions, but it is entirely possible to fool myself into believing I need something (i.e. non-genetically engineered chocolate cake...mmm) and find out later how shallow that need really was.  One of the big disclaimers on any cosmetic procedure is to be prepared for depression and feelings of doubt about your changes a couple weeks after surgery.  I assume if its listed so frequently it must be a fairly common occurrence.  In fact, reading my preparation and post op paperwork was scarier than going to a Stephen King cosplay convention *shiver*.  Over and over the message was very clear - I had better KNOW this is what I want and be prepared for the outcome.  

This isn't daunting me.  My desire is every bit as strong as when I walked in to the surgeon's office the first time.  Simply put, going through transition has empowered me to fix things I don't like about myself.  This isn't about being female enough or good looking enough or how to spend my daughter's inheritance.  This is a purely personal experience, much the way transitioning has been.  I am not trying to be perfect or change who I am.  I just want to be a little bit prouder, a little happier, and a little closer to how I see myself.  That's all and it is worth it.  And its not the only thing I've planned on "fixing".  Self improvement is a life long process.  

Wish me luck! 

“No matter who you are, no matter what you did, no matter where you've come from, you can always change, become a better version of yourself.” 

― Madonna

Case of a Missing Person?

I never expected to have such abundance of pleasure and happiness in transitioning to a woman.  In fact I feel sadness looking back at all the years that I lived under a self-imposed falseness, not even realizing the level of my dissatisfaction, considering it a tribulation of our species

“What [tribulation] did you get?” “Oh, I have extreme myopia and I’m terrible with names.  How about you?” “Me? I was born in the wrong gender. I know, life sucks right?”

I’m enjoying my role as a female in our society, if for no other reason than that I am finally on the correct side of the equation.  And I’m allowed to show my feelings in public now!  On an emotional level I think liberation by transition might be the best thing that has ever happened to me (well, at least tied with having a daughter). 

When you begin a journey as significant and profound as transitioning from male to female there are going to be some surprises.  Not, “Ooo its my birthday, what did you get me?” surprises, but, the standing in the grocery store staring at the frozen vegetables in the freezer section and sobbing inconsolably for no reason, sort of surprises.  Even the changes  I’ve researched or been warned about come as a bit of a shock with their intensity and unfamiliarity.  I have felt a little like having a twin sister that has followed me around my entire life, sometimes impersonating me, but never making herself known, and now we are embracing as best friends, sharing all our experiences. 

I’m not saying that there is a “male” me and a “female” me.  That’s not the least bit true.  But after 30 years of playing the role of a cis-gendered guy, no-one would be surprised by a few awkward feelings in accepting and opening to a whole new experience.  And one of the most surprising and significant impacts from my transition has been on my outward personality!  I say outward because I don’t want anyone to send a white van with friendly staff in starched scrubs to deliver a strait jacket and bottle of Thorazine like a mailman dropping off a parcel.  There’s only room for one ego in my head – trust me I don’t have MPD.  A better way to put it is that parts of my nature and personality are becoming more dominant and others are now more subordinate.  But the changes are profound enough I really do come across like a completely different person.

I have a few thoughts why this is and they are all pretty obvious.  One are my changing hormones and body chemistry.  Another is the losing of the protective shell that’s kept the real me safe from the world.  And the last is a need to redefine my role as a woman in society.  But do any of these suggestions offer an explanation for the almost uninhibited change in me?  Where I used to be quiet, moody, one could almost say stern, I’ve become animated, excitable, emotional, and (gasp) happy!  My interests have altered along with my needs.  Even the way I see the world has taken a big giant shift to the left (didn’t you feel the Earth give a skip when that happened?  I did!).

Well, OK, so it probably is relatively easy to explain the causes behind this alteration of my behavior, personality, thought processes, and pleasures.  All of those reasons mentioned above are involved in what has happened and so is simply the joy of living as myself.  But the twin of Cause is Effect and it’s the effect on my life that I have noticed and wanted to share.

As I said in my earlier paragraph, some of these changes are surprising, even if they were expected.  I’m not sure if I’ve illustrated just how significant my life has been altered by the shift in my personality and the way I see the world.  It is difficult to identify all the effects.  Needs, expectations, entitlement, plans, goals, attractions, friendships, family…life has changed regardless of how much I wanted or expected it to.  And it isn’t just me noticing the differences.  More than once people have remarked that I seem like a different person, some in doubt that I am that person at all.  Not being recognized by someone who used to know you is a strange feeling.  I want to shout, “its me…really, you know me”. 

Not all the changes seem for the best.  My friends, acquaintances, and family have to readjust their image of who I am and for some this isn’t a welcome experience because they like the way I used to be.  If I did have a twin sister, would my friends like her as much as they liked me?  I don’t know how much I can expect of them to “go along with it”.  A good Buddhist might say do not try to cling to something, but let it flow like water through your fingers and enjoy it while it is abundant.  In other words, friendships are not necessarily meant to last and we should be happy for the time and experiences we’ve shared.  Most of my friends assured me my being a trans-woman did not bother them…that does not mean they will automatically be fond of the “new” me.  And I want them to know this is OK, it does not mean they are prejudiced, just that it is time to let experiences become cherished memories.   I feel like a lot of people who go through transition get confused by the difference between prejudice and change.  Would it have been any different if you went through a debilitating illness or were permanently disabled?  Would those friends who are used to going with you hiking and camping and rock climbing and free running still want to hang out?  If the answer is no, is it because they are prejudiced against disabled people?  Of course not! People change as do all things.

Just like with my friendships, I feel it is important not to grasp, out of desperation, at my life as it has been.  Transitioning has exposed more than my inner self (and I don’t mean if you went online and searched my name you’d find nude photos!!).  There are other areas in my life where I’ve been content to let things be mediocre.  Now that I know I don’t have to settle for that, I want to expend some of this new found power to making changes there too.  I don’t think success should be measured by how far you’ve come, but by how happy you are.  And, in that too, I am a stranger to the people surrounding me.  If I’m not careful, they’ll be calling in a witchdoctor to expel the Wren doppelganger!

One of the first necessary steps to transitioning is getting over the fear of going through it.  And a large part of that is fear of change (and secret government agencies who received a tip off that you might be an alien interloper disguised as human).  But remember we aren’t the only ones who experience that change and may not be the only one afraid of it.

The Definition of a definition

How is Transgender defined?  The WPATH Standards of Care of transgender people says transgender is an adjective to describe a diverse group of individuals who cross or transcend culturally defined categories of gender.  Yep, sounds like legal speak to me.  The most blanket definition I've heard is transgender is someone who perceives and expresses themselves, to any degree, as a gender other than their gender at birth.  And yet another definition I've heard is that transgender indicates a person in the process of changing their expression of gender, outwardly, from male to female or vice-verse, meaning  that once the transition is over, they aren't really transgender anymore.  OK, that one makes my head hurt.

I can’t validate or refute any of these definitions despite a rather intimate perspective, though I realize those striving for equal treatment and respect for transgender people are trying very hard for consensus and common definitions among our community. 

Notice that none of the definitions above refer to Transgender as a condition, illness, emotional disorder, or being broken.  I’m not going to go deeper on that, but unfortunately there is a lot of insistence from some that we are sick.  My answer is hold your head high and don’t be ashamed of what you are (just be careful) because there’s nothing wrong with you.

Let’s take a tangent approach.  How is cisgender defined?  I like the online definition:  an individual's self-perception of their gender matches the sex they were assigned at birth.  Simple right?  Ok, how is female defined?  The dictionary, very helpfully provides two definitions:  1. of or denoting the sex that can bear offspring or produce eggs, distinguished biologically by the production of gametes (ova) that can be fertilized by male gametes.  2. a person bearing two X chromosomes in the cell nuclei and normally having a vagina, a uterus and ovaries, and developing at puberty a relatively rounded body and enlarged breasts, and retaining a beardless face; a girl or woman.  Hmm, I know a lot of cisgender women who don’t match either of those definitions.  Lastly, the dictionary definition of woman is, an adult female human being (see the definition of female above…I’m hoping we don’t need to go into the definition of human being!).

Right now you are wondering, Ok, so what Wren, what the heck are you bothering with all of this for?  Well really, who has time for dusty tomes of the English language and, unless they've lived under a rock, everyone should pretty much know what a female is.  Thank you, that’s exactly my point!  I was sitting with my therapist, discussing the future (specifically mine), and I made the comment, “Do I want to become an extraordinary Trans-woman or an ordinary woman?”  Well honey (yes I have pet names for myself.  It comes from spending a lot of time single…shush!), based on the definitions so far I can’t be a cisgender female.  It sounds like I’m transgender no matter what I do.  Am I missing something??

Oh but wait, often our meaning for a term or how we define something focuses on what we think it is or should be, and isn't “Webster-approved” at all!  It kinda reminds me of watching a lesson on logic in my mom’s grade school classroom. 

Toby likes football.  All men like football.  Therefore Toby is a man.   If you passed grade school logic you’ll realize this is not a true statement.  But kids will argue for hours that their dads and uncles sit in front of the TV every weekend and watch football so it must be true!!

So perception and education play a role.  What about interpretation?  Would a cross dresser be transgender?  How about a castrated man?  What about a cisgender female who has had a hysterectomy?  In other words it can be difficult to promote a single definition when someone may or may not choose to use that term to describe themselves or may not fall under that definition and use it to describe themselves anyway. 

Alright, moving forward and keeping in mind definitions can be fluid and vary by perception.  What did I mean by my statement of being transgender versus being a woman?  I was referring to a social classification, a category to fit into based on outward and inward appearance and expression.  It sounds simple, but one of the benefits of being transgender is nothing is ever simple.  For example, if I still have male genitals then I am obviously not a woman by most definitions.  But, I live life as a woman and, thankfully modesty is still in-fashion, nobody sees my erroneous genitalia.  So the uninformed person will perceive me as a woman. 

Cool, so I can ignore classical definitions and be female?  Probably, but there are still some gray areas (Not on top of my head!  Shame on you for insinuating I am old).  I do have male parts very much connected to my body.  I have a historical record which repeatedly points out my birth gender as male.  And I went through puberty pumped up on testosterone, leaving me with a masculine heritage in appearance.  All of which hearkens to my being transgender and not a cisgender female.  If I were to transition further with GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery) and do my best to blend into society as a woman (blending means to be indistinguishable in public as anything but female), I can’t picture making it into any beauty competition finals, talking about my past would be very awkward, and there would probably always be that worry about how well I am blending.  On the other hand if I choose to remain openly Transgender (or Transsexual or whatever term you prefer) I enjoy the freedom to recognize my past, be proud of my genetics and ability to blend as a woman, and maybe or maybe not keep that extra, male bit.  In that latter situation, however, I will continue to be an outcast to much of society, probably have a lot smaller list of compatible dating options, and experience employment and social discrimination (yes, this is extremely real and current).

I’m not seeing the scales tipping enormously one way or the other.  As is so often the case when I just want an answer, there is none (see rule 1 of being transgender – nothing is ever simple).  Or maybe there never comes a point when I will need or want to choose.  I’m interested how I will define myself in the coming year as I go through cosmetic surgery.  I hesitate to call it corrective surgery, but shouldn't it be?  I’m putting right a cosmic accident, after all, becoming the gender I was meant to be.  Unless… gender isn't a binary system and definitions are only a way for us to communicate like ideas.  Hmmm.

"Do or Do Not..." Is that My Only Choice?

The Moffat Railroad tunnel runs under James Peak starting just west of Rollinsville and ending outside Winter Park.  Its 6.2 miles long and no matter how hard I stare into the black depths I don't see very far.  The tunnel only has one train track laid and no place to turn around.  When a train goes in the only option is to keep going until it comes out again on the far side.

Transitioning, when I began, felt like that for me.  There didn't seem to be any path for which the way was certain and ended in peace.  Between my own fears and what I learned from others I saw misery, whether I transitioned or remained as I was.  And I believed once I started a path there wouldn't be any other choice but to keep going until I was through.  Like the Moffat tunnel, the future was unknowable from the starting point and that was scary.  It was the first time in my life where I had no faith in my destiny.  And no little green guy standing beside me to assure me this is the only way.

It is a testament to my need to become who I truly am that I stepped into the dark despite my misgivings, fears, and beliefs.  Aside from preparing for the worst, as so many had indicated could and would happen, I was deliberately giving up a lot of my hopes and plans for the future.  Transitioning felt, in my mind, like voluntarily ostracizing myself from society.  Just like becoming a Jedi meant a life apart, lonely and austere I believed transgender was a who, not a what and forever set me at odds with the world.  Transgender Wren surely would not be able to travel abroad or have a well paying career.  Transgender Wren would never see her dream of living next to the ocean come true.  Transgender Wren wouldn't be invited to play reindeer games... and a lot more.  In fact it was like looking at a list and crossing off all the things on it and replacing it with one giant checkbox - TRANSITION.

I'm not sure I ever fully articulated to anyone my feeling that transitioning took the place of every other goal in my life.  I mean, who's going to understand, other than another transgender.  It's only very recently, 3 years along, that I'm realizing the narrowness of my view.  Realistically, transitioning isn't actually like that.  It isn't being put in a plastic bubble or being made a zoo exhibit.  There are some I am around regularly who come pretty close to considering me an experiment.  Curiosity is not wrong, but it needs to be conducted with a little bit of tact and respect.  I try to correct them in the gentlest way possible.  This isn't a battle, lightsabers crackling and flashing as I bludgeon the other person into understanding me!

I can't say for sure I've traversed the entire length of the tunnel, faced the darkness and am seeing the light on the other side.  But, all of a sudden, I feel like I can pull out my list of unfinished dreams, goals, and ambitions, and write them back in.  Because I'm not just a transgendered woman.  I am also capable of pursuing other desires.  And, oddly, my first meeting with my "dark side" has built strength in me where none lived before.  I think one saving grace was denying myself the option of hiding away from the world on some far away swamp planet.  Yes it is safer and more comfortable, but evolution doesn't happen in such environments.  There isn't much to be learned staying in night after night.  I could practice blow drying and makeup techniques over and over until my fingers were numb.  How would I emerge from that scenario?  Like an effeminate man who is very good at makeup and hair and cross dresses?  The only way to understand my role in society as a woman and amass decades of knowledge is by doing it the same way I learned how to be a man...getting out there and living.  

Curious as to what's on Wren's to do list?  I think that should wait for another time.  So I'll wrap this blog up with a little quote.

"It is not in the stars to hold our destiny, but in ourselves."  - William Shakespeare
or in Yoda's words, "May the Force be with you."

You Completed the Obstacle Course, Congratulations...Do It Again

We, all of us, every person I've ever met, has wants, needs, and goals.  I think that kinda sums up the meaning of life in a vague way.  To give up on any one of these things is to give up on tomorrow.  What happens, though, when a need or want or goal seems unattainable?  Or the one place or person you can get it from is denied you?

Its a downright horrible awful really not good feeling, that's what!!!  Ok, sorry, I promise no emotional snowballs in the face today.  But really, this is something you must be prepared for when you consciously take a step forward in transition.  And unlike being so hungry you are willing to take a chance on a rather seedy looking greasy spoon or an open bag of M&Ms you found under your car seat, the obstacles awaiting someone planning to transition are not so easily overcome, but the compulsion and need is no less strong.

I can think of four whoppers (don't ask me where the term whopper came from, you won't like the answer!!) right off the bat that stand between me and my goal of transitioning and living life as a woman.

1. Money
2. Relationships
3. Personal Satisfaction
4. Time Travel (am I joking?)

Let's get Money out of the way right now.  Unfortunately, it is a necessary element to produce the chemical reaction of :

gender 1 + x + y + money = gender 2  Well that's what I'd like, but its more of this

(gender 1 + x + y)/money = gender 2 And you can't divide by ZERO

Transitioning has cost me thousands of dollars including, doctor visits, prescriptions, therapy, laser treatments, wardrobes, makeup, hair salons, and cosmetic surgery.  And I have a very good job (knock on wood), but I can't go any faster than I have resources to cover.  This is a blessing in disguise - more about that another time.  But for some, this is a seemingly insurmountable obstacle.  This is that 400lb guy in a football uniform standing between you and the goal post.  Believe me, being tackled and crushed by him is probably a close approximation to the feeling of helplessness when the dollars aren't adding up on the right side of the equation.  Is there hope - yes, of course.  But its not easy, its not guaranteed, and its not quick!  My humble suggestion is to plan out your transition goals before you start and be sure you aren't trying to divide by zero at any point in the process.

Moving on....wait for it...kettle drums please...relationships.  There are three types of relationships I am talking about.  The first and the one that comes to everyone's mind is the existence of meaningful people in your life that you care about and expect they care about you.  The second is the immediate and first impression or presentation you make anytime you're in public and how that affects your interactions.  The third is similar to the second, but is more affected by your actions than your appearance and is the changing role you take in interpersonal connections, conversations at work, dealing with your boss, chatting over lunch, and all those skills you never knew you needed.

 So first - Love/friendship.  A brilliant thing that keeps us from becoming like Tom Hanks talking to Wilson, his best friend who happens to be a volleyball.  Whether we ask for it or feel like we need it, the care and concern from those close to us lifts us beyond what we can accomplish on our own.  But they are all human and have the same amount of free will the rest of us got and not all of them are going to want to take that transition journey with you.  And that hurts, lay down on an anthill and cover yourself in honey kind of hurt.  Even the ones you don't think mean that much can cause a lot of pain by rejecting you.  Here again, this can seem like the Mt Everest of challenges when it comes to a loved one who isn't returning your phone calls and told you they never want to speak to you again.  I can't leave this topic without offering some tips that helped me.  Most of us have heard these before.  Offer to the people you tell about your transition that you are taking the path to your happiness...they don't want you to be unhappy do they?  Try try try not to get defensive or shy.  Answer their questions honestly and openly and show that you are not ashamed and still the same person they care about.  Avoid being flamboyant in appearance when you break the news, letting them soak up the shock of one revelation without having to get past the visual of seeing you like they've never imagined you before.  And make sure they know you love them and are not abandoning them, but if they can't accept you for who you are, it may not be possible for you to be a part of their life anymore.  That helps to turn the table, suggesting you are going to withdraw rather than letting them use that threat.  And lastly, don't underestimate the care and affection you can receive from your group of peers, who will understand you better than anyone else.  If you have to abandon one family, you will have another to come to.

Next - Community.  How you present yourself and the environment you live in makes a huge difference in the way you are treated.  Enough said?  I realize we aren't supposed to be overly concerned about what people think of us.  I like the saying, "What you think of me is none of my business".  But your appearance, your actions, and your confidence are the currency of community relationships whether its the grocery store clerk, the woman helping you size your bra, or the software vendor who's meeting you for the first time.  My suggestion is to practice like you've never practiced before.  Learn how to take care of your hair, your makeup, selecting fashions, and making a friendly positive impression on people.  Smile and make eye contact (unless you are in one of those cultures where making eye contact is really really bad).  People will be more willing to forgive "oddness" when you wear it well :)

Lastly - Evolving Roles.  There are two changes in my life so profound I could not have known what it was like before experiencing it.  One was raising a daughter.  The other was transitioning.  Men and women have different roles in society, different expectations, different ways of behaving, speaking, and dealing with every day life.  Unless you want to be constantly uncomfortable, this is very important to figure out.  My therapist calls it Intellectual transition.  As a woman, I can not expect the same treatment from my boss and coworkers as I used to.  Going to get my car fixed...you'd better believe the guy at the counter treats me a whole lot different as a woman.  Its so amazingly obvious I don't know how I could have been oblivious to it before.  Well, because I'd only lived as one gender.  No really, you won't get this one until you experience it.

Wow, ok so relationships was a huge category.  I forget what was next!  Oh wait, personal satisfaction.  This is easy to sum up.  Nobody is ever 100% satisfied with who they are.  That goes back to my very first sentence.  But, if you stand in the mirror and cry every time you look at yourself.  Or grind your teeth whenever someone comments on how tall you are for a woman.  Or it chafes your hide to be "sir"ed on the phone you know what I'm talking about.  Transitioning never happens fast enough or is as successful as we want it to be.  Well meaning advice - there are hundreds of books about positive thinking, changing for success, and all that.  And almost all of them will tell you how to take a "failure" and turn it into fuel for change.  No, it is impractical to think you can be shorter, younger, have smaller feet or a higher voice.  But you weren't going to get that from Day 1 - stop worrying over the unlikely and make the positive changes where you can.  Remember, you did this to be happy and whole.

Lastly, da da dum da...time travel.  I told you it wasn't a joke.  Transitioning is a journey and journeys take time.  Most of us wish we had started at a younger age or knew what we'd be like in 20 years.  Darlings, that isn't going to happen.  STOP - you can't time travel.  Looking back or looking forward isn't helping.  Buckle up, grab some beef jerky and a bottle of energy drink because its going to be a loooooong trip.  Stay alert, take time to look around and appreciate your surroundings.  Keep your mood light - because no one likes to ride in a car with somebody who looks like they're about to chew glass.  

Congratulate yourself for moving beyond social stigmas and being held captive.  Allow the metamorphosis to change you in amazing ways and show off your wings proudly.  Because life doesn't happen if you have no hope for tomorrow.

What The Heck Would I Do With Magic Beans??

In those Fairy Tales I read growing up I never realized nearly all of them start off awkwardly.  The main character finds themselves in a position that they would never willingly have chosen.  They look towards the future and the possibility of riches and success.  And the hero or heroine does something unexpected, risky, crazy even to change the path of their life.  They put everything they have into that leap, sweat, blood, tears, overcoming their doubts and pushing on against all odds.

Sound familiar?  Uh-huh, yeah, pretty much that's what transitioning was for me.  And I'm not finished, but the riches have been a deep sense of self, accomplishment, and happiness I never expected because I didn't truthfully know what that felt like!

Two years ago, my outward appearance, character, and personality started to shift as I began transitioning publicly.  Every day started with excitement, nervousness and oh how awkward I felt leaving the house in my semi-androgynous outfit.  My inner self was incongruous with my outer self and everything felt a little bit out of sync.  Occasionally I would throw caution completely to the wind, doing something I'd never done before like wearing a ridiculously noticeable shade of lipstick or nail polish, putting on a skirt, raising my voice to a higher pitch, experimenting, trying on different me's.  I didn't need rouge for my cheeks, most of the time they were red with blushing!  But, I did take risks and do foolish crazy things because the need was in me to do it.  There was no guarantee of riches at the end of the journey and no one to hold my hand.

I visited Denver Pride Fest for the first time in 2011, wearing a flashy, gothy black skirt, high heels, stockings with skulls, and a black blouse...and yeah I'd been likened to Alice Cooper or Marilyn Manson more than once!  It was kinda fun to be a non-judgemental atmosphere and I enjoyed the attention for the day.  Unfortunately I was having a hard time enjoying it through the massive buildup of adrenaline at being so "out".  I had no idea of the pressure I was putting on myself, how uncomfortable I felt, living on the edge, but not presenting an appearance of who my inner self was.

Another very memorable instance was a trip to Vegas with friends over Christmas of the same year.  I decided there was no fear in showing who and what I was and spent the weekend not hiding my transition at all.  I was far more confident than 6 months previous.  Over dinner one evening one of my friends asked me if I thought I was attractive like this.  Um...holy shit...really?    Yah I kinda lost it and had to apologize later, but what I said (or yelled I think) was something like , "No, I know I look ridiculous and I don't f*ing care what people think because this is what I am and what I want".  But that wasn't really true.  I wasn't who I wanted to be on the outside.  I was full of frustration at not being able to make that connection and sooo self conscious.  Because I really did care, too, what people thought of me.

But I didn't quit and I didn't balk at taking the next step, then another, then another...

I was back at Pride this year.  And it was a wholly different experience.  I felt like a phoenix bursting from the ashes of my past.  Here was a person exuding confidence in who she is, competent in her appearance, outgoing, and obviously happy.  The experience is difficult to describe, beyond saying it was awesome.  And a lesson that fairy tales are not just for putting children to bed.  Belief, desire, and strength can and will lead to a brighter future.  But its not going to be easy.  I've been fortunate in my transition compared to what so many have to endure.  And the journey is not necessarily right for everyone who starts down this path.  But it was, and still is, right for me.

Sometimes, when I look in the mirror and the self-criticism starts, I just need to take a moment to widen my gaze and my mind and be reminded there is a wondrous place just beyond the looking glass. And take that awkward first step.

No Mom...I swear I'm Not Joining the Circus

What's one of the most embarrassing things that's happened to me? The first time a man held the door open for me and said "you're welcome ma'am".  No, really...my cheeks were on fire, I ducked my head, and fled to my car.  Crazy, right?  I mean, isn't that how its supposed to work?  The fact is I suddenly had a feeling I had just tricked this guy into believing I'm a woman and he's going to realize it and beat the pulp out of me.  I had no time to feel proud of the moment, just shocked and embarrassed!

Luckily I've outgrown that one.  Now I'm dismayed if someone looks over at me and doesn't see a woman standing in my shoes (no we aren't going back to that 'so what size are they' discussion).  But when I first started to transition in public I was very worried about my appearance and presentation.  I admitted to my therapist and friends my vanity and need to look good or at least be successful in looking the way I desired.  And at the beginning that seemingly wasn't very feasible.  I'd never tried to look convincingly female and there was a lot of masculinity in the way.  I know, I'm not supposed to care what anyone thinks....but when I'm sitting in a restaurant or buying tires for my car, or meeting with a vendor at work....I CARE

A lot of us want to hurry to wear fitted blouses, skirts, heels, makeup, to declare who we really are and I am no exception.  But I suggest taking a look at that transition timeline.  By the way, I've put some of the style tips that have worked for me down at the bottom of this blog entry.  This is not a judgement on anyone else's fashion or lifestyle - just what helped me!  Realistically its going to take two years of laser or electrolysis to get rid of facial or body hair.  That's a long time and its not cheap either. That's two years to make gradual, comfortable changes in wardrobe and public appearance, figure out how to use a blow dryer and barrel brush and experience growing up as a girl (its pretty darn awkward feeling like a teenager in my 30s).  Also, it pays to have friends with good fashion sense not afraid to give out much needed advice!  I experimented, bought a couple tops, a pair of heels, and wasn't impressed with the result.  Words come to mind that aren't worth repeating.  My friends took pity and suggested maybe a little less frilly and stick with appearing more androgynous until some of my physical changes had a chance to develop.  Being the gothy sort, for me this was black button up shirts, tight jeans, boots, long hair, earrings, jewelry.  And, wow, that felt better.  But, hmm, not very feminine.  Ah, but adding nail polish and changing my hair style, putting on a bit of makeup, shaving my face every day, that was getting somewhere.  And in the meantime, I put my time to good use studying magazines, reading how-to articles, visiting an esthtetician for laser hair removal, and practicing the art of the feminine walk, sit, posture, mannerisms.

Transitioning is a long path.  But there are rewards.  Not being torn up from the inside.  Smiling on the world with your own face rather than an imposter's. Giving the people you love the very best of yourself.  I do care how people perceive me.

I CARE.  And it shows ♥

_______________________________________________________________
So, some tips on what worked for me (for reference I'm 5'11" and relatively skinny)
The Internet is your friend!  If you don't know how to do something look it up.  Thrift stores are an amazing resource for experimenting with clothing and trying stuff on.  Take a female friend when you go shopping and you won't feel ridiculous being in the women's section.

High heels looked silly on me at first. Feminine footwear was boots with a small heel, sandals with painted toenails, tennis shoes.
Tight girl jeans - absolutely I love them! Tight and showing, ahem, hidden assets - preferably not. Wear a long top to cover up. And boot cut and flair bottom jeans with longer inseams are the bomb! They make my feet look smaller.  Need a long inseam? Try Old Navy, Long Tall Sally, Sheplers, Eddie Bauer...there's  quite a few though they can be hard to find in a store.
Skirts and dresses in my opinion don't make a person look feminine, just draw eyes to the parts that aren't. Break these out when its time to start wearing a bra. You'll get there!
Tops to stay away from have lace, too much frill, or only cover half a torso.  Button up blouses in feminine styles, bright sweaters, and camis and t-shirts that enhance curves or hide them (padded or slimming camis are great) are an easy androgynous fashion. Layer. Where one top is good, two or three is better, but please, no popped collars (the 80's called, they want their fashion back). Try a Cami or layered camis with a blouse or sweater over it or a collared shirt under a cardigan.
Accessories are a great way to feminize an outfit.  Picking out a matching belt, handbag, sunglasses, a jacket,  are all ways to experience and practice shopping in the women's aisles and learn how to enhance your appearance.
Jewelry - comfortable, classy, or fun. Look at magazine pictures. Look at coworkers.  I'm not a fan of bejeweled and bedazzled, so I go with simple, but I almost always have a necklace, one or two bracelets, and earrings on.
Hair is a really tough topic. Read up on styles, go to a real stylist who can help. Look at pictures, but stick with styles that match the shape of your face. And practice, practice, practice - drying, curling, straightening, combing, styling. Skills only come with time.  I've spent hours and hours reading tips and tricks, best practices, how-to's, product suggestions, product no-no's, etc. Don't give up.  And its amazing what a good stylist can do with highlights and color.  Unfortunately a wig may be an eventuality, but wigs require styling and care too so don't think of it as an easy way out.
Makeup! A dirty word for sure. I was wearing a foundation two colors too light for me and compared with Alice Cooper (no, that's not the name of a woman). A foundation that matches skin tone is essential. And I was taught early on about beard masking foundation and stage makeup.  So, until that laser really starting to get rid of facial hair, I had on three layers of foundation.  Its noticeable, but better than a 5'oclock shadow in my opinion.  As for eye shadow and lipstick, less really is more. Trust me. Again, look at coworkers and study on-line and practice. And don't worry about buying expensive stuff. Go for bargains and pick up higher quality later.

Magical Memories?

Something I considered early in my transition planning was whether or not I should keep a journal of what transpires and create an 'evolution of Wren over time' sketch in words.  Maybe even a photo log showing changes to my appearance.  That way every precious moment of what is sure to be my greatest achievement would be recorded in eternity... or something like that.

But...

I didn't end up keeping a transition journal.  When I sat down and thought about it, I didn't see the value of recording every detail of my transition.  I didn't want it to be the pencil marks on the door frame measuring my growth.  It felt too much like I was studying myself and that all of this was some sort of experiment with a hypothesis and I'm the lab rat.  

Why am I writing this blog now?  I view this as an opportunity to share what I've been through in the hopes that someone else can learn from me.  And, rather than writing as it happens, misconceptions and all, I am looking back and able to understand what was really going on.

Though it may not be magical and silvery, creating this blog is my way of bottling those memories and leaving them on a shelf for inquisitive wizards to find.  I have had help along the way, reading insights and stories other authors have shared.  Sometimes its breadcrumbs left behind to help me find my way.  Sometimes they offer solace, feeling validated about what I'm going through as I read someone else's account.  And sometimes its like a big piece of caution tape warning me to be careful or avoid a dangerous situation.  In any case I don't think its possible to know too much.  One of my favorite Trans Journey blogs is by Juliet Jacques.  She is an excellent writer and I've gotten a lot from reading her story.  http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/series/transgender-journey.

I've been pulling other memories out of my brain as well, storing them in my private pensieve.  By writing down troubling feelings, worries, or concerned thoughts I'm able to step back and evaluate them because transitioning has forced me to confront a lot of bad habits.  Misconceptions or wayward assumptions about dating, follow-up thoughts after therapy sessions, records of confrontations at work or home all seem easier to unravel when I write them down.  And recording it seems to ease my subconscious from dwelling overmuch on difficult topics (So a dream about running naked through the woods, chased by wolves and zombies while trying to avoid my step-dad seeing me without clothes on...must mean something right???).

Lastly, I've kept a log of events and incidents that happen at work.  This is a good habit for anyone and is all about personal safety.  My best friend went so far as to keep a recorder in her purse and tape meetings.  Writing down specific dates and times, the people involved, and the specifics of an incident will be a huge benefit if something were to ever come up at work.  No matter how secure and 'safe' I feel with my job, I know how quickly that can turn around.

So I went from a plan idealizing the phases of my trans journey to recording the things that actually matter to me, which seems far more valuable.  And quite frankly, as hairy as a situation may become, I'd rather write  it down to investigate later, than go back and look at pictures of stubbly chin whiskers and be reminded of my embarrassment.


~ Wren

"This? It is called a Pensieve. I sometimes find, and I am sure you know the feeling, that I simply have too many thoughts and memories crammed into my mind."

— Albus Dumbledore and Harry Potter discussing Dumbledore's Pensieve.

I Don't Think I'm in Kansas Anymore

Hindsight is 20/20.  Its amazing how I can come up with a preconception or 'be prepared' and when an event finally arrives it is absolutely nothing like what I expect.  My poor human brain hasn't worked this out yet, because it happens with frightening regularity.  This is true of holidays, work evaluations, middle age,...well the list is a long one!  And my transition has been no exception.

I began by reading the Suggested clinical care for transgenders, which I located online and was terribly
conflicted by some of the things I read there. I didn't want to have to see a therapist about my gender issues.  I didn't want to have to live as a woman before I would be prescribed hormones (who really wants to be a woman with a 5 o'clock shadow).  The whole process seemed to have been created to discourage transitioning or punish those of us who dare to walk that path.  But, being the good law abiding person that I am, I determined to follow the steps as written.  Besides, if I didn't like it I could just find another way!

Locating a transgender friendly doctor and therapist was easy.  On-line resources are far superior to available resources 30 years ago.  There was a lot of literature relating to gender issues.  So many horror stories of violence and suicide and destitution and rejection that I was crying despite being firmly in the grasp of my masculinity.  And so much of the information was misleading too!  Getting away from the dozens of blogs and seeking professional advice was the very best thing I could have done and luckily, that's exactly what I did!

Last week I met with my therapist and we were relating back to when I first stomped through her door, clearly intending to go through the motions so I could get on with the important transition stuff. I have a hard time remembering what I was like, besides telling her I didn't see the value of therapy because there was nothing wrong with me and I didn't see how anyone could go by the gender care suggestions, those were so idiotic.  My therapist jogged my memory by suggesting a couple adjectives about me back then, saying basically I was hard headed, obstinate, and walking around with a huge male ego.  Thankfully, things are quite a lot different now.  Even my best friend says I am nothing like the person I was.  And speaking of changes I want to skip ahead to something important...just for a moment.

Transitioning genders, especially once hormone treatments start, is a lot like becoming a parent.  You can read every piece of literature, talk to others, observe your friends going through it, buy all the stuff, go to classes, whatever, and nothing, nothing, nothing will prepare you for the reality.  The significance of the changes are profound.  Its not just that my high school class wouldn't recognize my face anymore.  I express my emotions in a very different way.  My thought processes have changed significantly.  Life among my fellow humans is nothing like what it was a couple years ago.  Some of these changes are obvious, but some of them catch me by surprise or I don't recognize them until something happens to point it out.  Yah, I'm not good with recognizing subtlety.  Just a note, if you're trying to pick me up in a bar, you're going to have a hard time getting my attention without stepping on my foot!

What's happening to me isn't a bad thing.  I don't feel lost or confused about who I am and nothing feels wrong.  Its kinda like growing up.  There are moments of total confusion, but most of the time I'm adjusting and don't realize it until someone stops and points it out.  And it isn't all to do with my internal workings.  Society, unfortunately, has defined roles for men and women and I'm finding myself now in the female camp.  It's an eye opener just how different genders are treated in the workplace and on the street.  To illustrate, now that I'm a woman, I'm not taken as seriously by my boss or coworkers, but I rarely have to open my own door.  This is a big part of what my therapist calls intellectual transitioning and, just as I said in sentence number one, I thought I was prepared and what a fool I am.

Jumping back in time, I had a lot of trouble accepting that my therapist really did want me to have the best transition I could.  The path that was suggested to me seemed completely out of order, unnecessarily difficult, and promised to take 4 x longer than I wanted.  To my surprise, it was the best thing that could have happened to me.  Because here I stand now (6'2" in heels for those who just had to be curious) and the only discomfort I feel is what to say to the guy in the grocery store when he's flirting with me.  I'm not worried about my job - my coworkers support me and the Human Resources department made it very clear that harassment and discrimination would not be tolerated.  I'm not worried about my family - they've had time, through the long process to be accustomed to each change as it occurred or we've parted ways.  I'm not worried about my state of mind - my transition has happened at a natural pace with support at every step.   I'm not worried about the future - things are only going to get better from here!

So, though I promised not to, I offer up this advice. The professionals really are the experts and it does not hurt to set aside egos, insecurities, adrenaline laced timelines, and just listen and try to understand.  In most cases, they have your best interests at heart and are as eager as you to see yourself happy.

And I'm happy (even when I'm crying).

Wren ♥

Starting from the middle

I'd like to start off with journaling my experiences, trying to phrase them from a first person perspective, and not get preachy, which I am prone to do!

Every creature on this planet has a path unique to them and, unless they know someone from the future who can tell them how it all turns out, there will be all sorts of unexpected twists, turns, bumps, days and nights, and weather along the way.  The point being I didn't know and wasn't prepared for the what was around the corner...

I'm not good with timelines and no doubt I will remember things in a funny order.  My goal is to relive my experiences for my benefit and anyone who can learn from me.  The first overtly feminizing step I remember was playing an on-line role playing game as a female character and really enjoying delving into the role, to the point that I began to treat myself as female when I was engrossed in the game.  This was not the moment when I realized I needed to follow my path to transition and actually lent itself to some confusion for me.

The next big step, when I was, again, playing on-line and tried out cross dressing and shaving body hair also was not enough to clue me in to what was going on.  The experience was exhilarating, removing a chink of my armor and peeking into a place I had decided long ago was taboo.  At this time in my life there was a lot of upheaval and change that kept me unbalanced and unfamiliar to myself.  I believe things happen at the right time and it was almost time for me.

But it wasn't until a friend of mine asked me why I hadn't transitioned that the possibility came up.  It seems so strange to have things progress this way.  I was miserable and wasn't fitting into the life I was trying to have.  Things never seemed to turn out right and happiness was fleeting.  I resigned myself to a dark future unknowingly, because I'd never choose an existence like that for myself.  I didn't understand what it was that was wrong or missing.  Almost immediately after my friend brought up transitioning things became so much clearer.  I could look at my present and past and was stunned to have been so blind to the needs of my heart and body, like feeling trapped or vulnerable in a dream and not realizing I can just wake up.

Looking at my online experiences it was night and day how I related to people as a man versus as a woman.  I can't express how this revelation affected me.  It was like having the answer sheet for a difficult exam.  Moments of uncertainty, doubt, and confusion in my past became clearer and understandable interpreting myself as a female responding to them.  I had that feeling of elation that comes with a burst of inspiration.  And this was the day I looked up from my feet and saw my path going off into the distance, still not knowing what will happen in my future, but sure of how I am meant to walk it.

“I could see why Archimedes got all excited. There was nothing finer than the feeling that came rushing through you when it clicked and you suddenly understood something that had puzzled you. It made you think it just might be possible to get a handle on this old world after all.”  - Jeannette Walls, Half Broke Horses