Case of a Missing Person?

I never expected to have such abundance of pleasure and happiness in transitioning to a woman.  In fact I feel sadness looking back at all the years that I lived under a self-imposed falseness, not even realizing the level of my dissatisfaction, considering it a tribulation of our species

“What [tribulation] did you get?” “Oh, I have extreme myopia and I’m terrible with names.  How about you?” “Me? I was born in the wrong gender. I know, life sucks right?”

I’m enjoying my role as a female in our society, if for no other reason than that I am finally on the correct side of the equation.  And I’m allowed to show my feelings in public now!  On an emotional level I think liberation by transition might be the best thing that has ever happened to me (well, at least tied with having a daughter). 

When you begin a journey as significant and profound as transitioning from male to female there are going to be some surprises.  Not, “Ooo its my birthday, what did you get me?” surprises, but, the standing in the grocery store staring at the frozen vegetables in the freezer section and sobbing inconsolably for no reason, sort of surprises.  Even the changes  I’ve researched or been warned about come as a bit of a shock with their intensity and unfamiliarity.  I have felt a little like having a twin sister that has followed me around my entire life, sometimes impersonating me, but never making herself known, and now we are embracing as best friends, sharing all our experiences. 

I’m not saying that there is a “male” me and a “female” me.  That’s not the least bit true.  But after 30 years of playing the role of a cis-gendered guy, no-one would be surprised by a few awkward feelings in accepting and opening to a whole new experience.  And one of the most surprising and significant impacts from my transition has been on my outward personality!  I say outward because I don’t want anyone to send a white van with friendly staff in starched scrubs to deliver a strait jacket and bottle of Thorazine like a mailman dropping off a parcel.  There’s only room for one ego in my head – trust me I don’t have MPD.  A better way to put it is that parts of my nature and personality are becoming more dominant and others are now more subordinate.  But the changes are profound enough I really do come across like a completely different person.

I have a few thoughts why this is and they are all pretty obvious.  One are my changing hormones and body chemistry.  Another is the losing of the protective shell that’s kept the real me safe from the world.  And the last is a need to redefine my role as a woman in society.  But do any of these suggestions offer an explanation for the almost uninhibited change in me?  Where I used to be quiet, moody, one could almost say stern, I’ve become animated, excitable, emotional, and (gasp) happy!  My interests have altered along with my needs.  Even the way I see the world has taken a big giant shift to the left (didn’t you feel the Earth give a skip when that happened?  I did!).

Well, OK, so it probably is relatively easy to explain the causes behind this alteration of my behavior, personality, thought processes, and pleasures.  All of those reasons mentioned above are involved in what has happened and so is simply the joy of living as myself.  But the twin of Cause is Effect and it’s the effect on my life that I have noticed and wanted to share.

As I said in my earlier paragraph, some of these changes are surprising, even if they were expected.  I’m not sure if I’ve illustrated just how significant my life has been altered by the shift in my personality and the way I see the world.  It is difficult to identify all the effects.  Needs, expectations, entitlement, plans, goals, attractions, friendships, family…life has changed regardless of how much I wanted or expected it to.  And it isn’t just me noticing the differences.  More than once people have remarked that I seem like a different person, some in doubt that I am that person at all.  Not being recognized by someone who used to know you is a strange feeling.  I want to shout, “its me…really, you know me”. 

Not all the changes seem for the best.  My friends, acquaintances, and family have to readjust their image of who I am and for some this isn’t a welcome experience because they like the way I used to be.  If I did have a twin sister, would my friends like her as much as they liked me?  I don’t know how much I can expect of them to “go along with it”.  A good Buddhist might say do not try to cling to something, but let it flow like water through your fingers and enjoy it while it is abundant.  In other words, friendships are not necessarily meant to last and we should be happy for the time and experiences we’ve shared.  Most of my friends assured me my being a trans-woman did not bother them…that does not mean they will automatically be fond of the “new” me.  And I want them to know this is OK, it does not mean they are prejudiced, just that it is time to let experiences become cherished memories.   I feel like a lot of people who go through transition get confused by the difference between prejudice and change.  Would it have been any different if you went through a debilitating illness or were permanently disabled?  Would those friends who are used to going with you hiking and camping and rock climbing and free running still want to hang out?  If the answer is no, is it because they are prejudiced against disabled people?  Of course not! People change as do all things.

Just like with my friendships, I feel it is important not to grasp, out of desperation, at my life as it has been.  Transitioning has exposed more than my inner self (and I don’t mean if you went online and searched my name you’d find nude photos!!).  There are other areas in my life where I’ve been content to let things be mediocre.  Now that I know I don’t have to settle for that, I want to expend some of this new found power to making changes there too.  I don’t think success should be measured by how far you’ve come, but by how happy you are.  And, in that too, I am a stranger to the people surrounding me.  If I’m not careful, they’ll be calling in a witchdoctor to expel the Wren doppelganger!

One of the first necessary steps to transitioning is getting over the fear of going through it.  And a large part of that is fear of change (and secret government agencies who received a tip off that you might be an alien interloper disguised as human).  But remember we aren’t the only ones who experience that change and may not be the only one afraid of it.