Wren Learns to Fly

I realize months have passed since my last blog post and, honestly, I thought I was out of ideas for writing.  Also, as a close friend of mine believes, a point is reached when being transgender isn't enough, the cocoon is breached, and there are other experiences waiting for us in the wide world.  So, largely, my thoughts haven't lingered on transgender needs, but, instead, my needs.  However, there are still thoughts and experiences worth recounting.

For a lot of us, when we "come out" as transgender, there is a necessary and painful breaking down of the walls or shell we've constructed around us.  Our lives suddenly become much more public and we stand ,open and unprotected, against the potential onslaught of judgement and recrimination.  It's a mixture of vulnerability and invulnerability, not at all stable, but with a sense of freedom.  I never realized while I was coming out of my shell I was also in a protective nest, surrounded by people and places familiar and safe.  Now I see I need to leave behind this second layer of security.

I am beginning to fly free of my nest more and more.  Connecting with new people and visiting new places where my  former identity is not known.  Some of the same fears and worries which assailed me as I first started this journey have resurfaced.  Do people notice that I'm 'different'?  Will there be ridicule or hate?  Am I accepted?  I think any person goes through these same feelings.  But perhaps for us, still developing a sense of who we are and facing society's prejudice, the feeling is intensified.

I have two particular examples to mention.  The first is getting a new job.  There are few moments where your identity is more under scrutiny then when you are interviewing.  Not only am I worried whether or not I can prove my technical proficiency and create a desire for my skills, I am also constantly thinking "does this person know I'm not a cisgender female?"  And if I were to receive this position I am now surrounded by total strangers, unknowns in the book of "for" or "against" transgenders.  This could be a moment to react in fear and try to disguise myself as much as possible, sort of pull the broken pieces of my shell back around me.  Thankfully, I've matured, and that's not what I will do.  This is an opportunity to introduce myself as the person I am and show why Wren is someone worth knowing.  I can ignore a lot of my past and focus on what I will become.  And I am looking forward to severing a very large connection to that past and no longer feeling as though I were a bookmark for someone else's story.

Which brings me to the second example.  My therapist continues to show interest in my intimate relationships, or lack.  I'm not a dummy.  Relationships are integral to accepting who I am and for my overall mental and emotional health.  And I think about it often enough, usually scoffing at the idea of getting involved with anyone while a part of me knows how much I miss and want an intimate connection.  While I can have a career and avoid reference or connection to my former identity, managing a relationship without my past is a lot more difficult.  If I meet someone and we are attracted to one another, but they don't know I am transgender, this is fine, for a while.  But, if we were to get to the point of them becoming someone special in my life, the rules change.  Because it isn't about that person judging me.  It's about my family, friends, and anyone else who knows I am transgender, judging them.  Now the person I care about is pushed in front of me to take the sticks and stones of people's prejudice.  And the doubts settle into my mind that anyone would want me enough to face that.  Oh, and they have to be open and understanding that there are things about me which will never be entirely female.  I've tried to develop a sense of humor (which is often more a feeling of being resigned) about this and focus on the things which I am very proud of.  But they are going to have to cope with those things as well.  And I don't want someone who is "into trans girls".  This is about them genuinely caring for who I am, not what (I've talked about that previously).  I am going to continue to treat relationships as I have been, holding intimacy at arms length until I'm ready.  This may not be the best approach, but I know it isn't a wrong one.


So I'm hatched, growing up, and ready to leave the nest behind.  As a young bird I still have
a lot of questions and doubts about what lies beyond.  Like any creature leaving the safety of home for the first time, I will have to learn on my own, one experience at a time.  Chin up, confident, and keeping my heart open to accept life as I want it to accept me.

Excuse Me Doctor. Is This Normal?

I can't feel my face and I have to learn how to do makeup all over again!  Oh, and no more glaring at inconsiderate people or frowning at my daughter.  My face can't make those expressions.  And don't ask about my hair.  I'm sure those patches will grow back *sigh*.

I decided not to blog during the first few weeks of surgery recovery.  There was far too much to absorb and recovery took enough of my energy to keep activities at a minimum.  I did share a picture of myself on Facebook only a few days after surgery and managed a few appearances at social activities during the holidays.

I feel ready to take the time, now, and record what has been happening, how I’ve been feeling, what was affected by surgery, and what my goals are.  And thank you all for your continued support and especially my best friend, Nicole, for looking after me almost around the clock during those first three miserable days (I did try to let her sleep).

Firstly, I wanted to say I completely underestimated the impact of my surgery.  Today marks three weeks in recovery.  There are still a lot of things I can’t do.  I picked up my daughter from the airport and we went grocery shopping.  She had to carry all her suitcases and had to carry the grocery bags as well!  

   The last major surgery where general anesthesia was administered to me was in 1995 when my wisdom teeth were removed.  Though I did my best to be prepared for this one, the discomfort and weakness was so uncustomary that it caught me by surprise.  Luckily my surgeon put a lot of attention into preparing and educating me on what to expect.  It may seem as though cosmetic surgery isn’t as serious as having something vital fixed, but it is every bit the same.  I underestimated how serious and real this was going to be.  Nonetheless I have recovered remarkably well and am steadily getting back to a normal activity level (anyone picturing a three-toed sloth as my normal energy level will be pinched!).

   Though I had several facial procedures planned I expected only a modest change.  I assumed the breast augmentation would be more dramatic.  I have found it to be very much the reverse.  The differences in my face are amazing.  My friends have unanimously remarked at the changes.  I’m looking forward to the result after full recovery.  And I have not experienced any nervousness, depression, or stress from the changes in my appearance.  Thankfully, because it is a common occurrence in post-surgery patients.  I can say this is the way I am on the inside and the way I want to express myself to the world.

   Somewhere along the way I got the idea that recovery was ‘done’ after 3 weeks and the rest was just lingering, long term, minor healing.  Again, I far underestimated post-surgery needs.   I say this to anyone considering cosmetic surgery.  Take it seriously and plan to be unavailable to work or friends for no less than 2 weeks.  I’m at the very end of week three and just now feeling a return of my stamina and energy.  I am still bruised and very obviously healing from a traumatic experience.  There are still stitches in places and soreness and numbness all over.  I thought I was being generous with my healing time, but truthfully I should have taken another week away from work.

The first couple days after surgery I was still flailing from anesthesia  and couldn’t accurately discern my feelings.  I did see myself in the mirror, but there was too much swelling and bruising to be able to look beyond at the changes.  Notice I keep saying changes or differences and not improvements?  Am I ecstatic at the ‘new’ me?  No, that really isn’t my style.  Everyday, though, my smile gets a little bigger and I am pleased with the results more and more.  As healing and time progresses that feeling is translated into a sense of wellbeing and happiness.  Which, in my opinion, is far more rewarding in the long run.  I think a few of my friends are waiting for the jump up and down and shout and celebrate response.  Let me say there will be no jumping for a looong while (ouch!) and I can’t shout because parts of my face are too tight (teasing, but no really).  I am celebrating and marveling at the success and magnitude of the changes to my face and body.  We’ll save the rest for a one year anniversary or something.

How does this surgery and the resulting changes affect my goals?  The biggest impact, honestly, is financial.  Beyond that, once healing is more complete and I’m not absorbed in caring for my wounds, I suspect my female role in society will be more cemented and comfortable.  To have outsides matching my insides is a big step.  Over the last year I’d already become much more natural as a woman and had very little trouble ‘blending’.  So it won’t be a shocker to continue being treated that way.  My goals are still to trim up and keep fit, maintain my mental acuity, be a positive role model among community and peers, and explore my spiritual awareness of the world.  My outlook hasn’t changed, only what I look out of!

I do hope to continue blogging and assume inspiration will come as it always has.  And I wish all of you a happy and productive 2014.