Wren Learns to Fly

I realize months have passed since my last blog post and, honestly, I thought I was out of ideas for writing.  Also, as a close friend of mine believes, a point is reached when being transgender isn't enough, the cocoon is breached, and there are other experiences waiting for us in the wide world.  So, largely, my thoughts haven't lingered on transgender needs, but, instead, my needs.  However, there are still thoughts and experiences worth recounting.

For a lot of us, when we "come out" as transgender, there is a necessary and painful breaking down of the walls or shell we've constructed around us.  Our lives suddenly become much more public and we stand ,open and unprotected, against the potential onslaught of judgement and recrimination.  It's a mixture of vulnerability and invulnerability, not at all stable, but with a sense of freedom.  I never realized while I was coming out of my shell I was also in a protective nest, surrounded by people and places familiar and safe.  Now I see I need to leave behind this second layer of security.

I am beginning to fly free of my nest more and more.  Connecting with new people and visiting new places where my  former identity is not known.  Some of the same fears and worries which assailed me as I first started this journey have resurfaced.  Do people notice that I'm 'different'?  Will there be ridicule or hate?  Am I accepted?  I think any person goes through these same feelings.  But perhaps for us, still developing a sense of who we are and facing society's prejudice, the feeling is intensified.

I have two particular examples to mention.  The first is getting a new job.  There are few moments where your identity is more under scrutiny then when you are interviewing.  Not only am I worried whether or not I can prove my technical proficiency and create a desire for my skills, I am also constantly thinking "does this person know I'm not a cisgender female?"  And if I were to receive this position I am now surrounded by total strangers, unknowns in the book of "for" or "against" transgenders.  This could be a moment to react in fear and try to disguise myself as much as possible, sort of pull the broken pieces of my shell back around me.  Thankfully, I've matured, and that's not what I will do.  This is an opportunity to introduce myself as the person I am and show why Wren is someone worth knowing.  I can ignore a lot of my past and focus on what I will become.  And I am looking forward to severing a very large connection to that past and no longer feeling as though I were a bookmark for someone else's story.

Which brings me to the second example.  My therapist continues to show interest in my intimate relationships, or lack.  I'm not a dummy.  Relationships are integral to accepting who I am and for my overall mental and emotional health.  And I think about it often enough, usually scoffing at the idea of getting involved with anyone while a part of me knows how much I miss and want an intimate connection.  While I can have a career and avoid reference or connection to my former identity, managing a relationship without my past is a lot more difficult.  If I meet someone and we are attracted to one another, but they don't know I am transgender, this is fine, for a while.  But, if we were to get to the point of them becoming someone special in my life, the rules change.  Because it isn't about that person judging me.  It's about my family, friends, and anyone else who knows I am transgender, judging them.  Now the person I care about is pushed in front of me to take the sticks and stones of people's prejudice.  And the doubts settle into my mind that anyone would want me enough to face that.  Oh, and they have to be open and understanding that there are things about me which will never be entirely female.  I've tried to develop a sense of humor (which is often more a feeling of being resigned) about this and focus on the things which I am very proud of.  But they are going to have to cope with those things as well.  And I don't want someone who is "into trans girls".  This is about them genuinely caring for who I am, not what (I've talked about that previously).  I am going to continue to treat relationships as I have been, holding intimacy at arms length until I'm ready.  This may not be the best approach, but I know it isn't a wrong one.


So I'm hatched, growing up, and ready to leave the nest behind.  As a young bird I still have
a lot of questions and doubts about what lies beyond.  Like any creature leaving the safety of home for the first time, I will have to learn on my own, one experience at a time.  Chin up, confident, and keeping my heart open to accept life as I want it to accept me.