Magical Memories?

Something I considered early in my transition planning was whether or not I should keep a journal of what transpires and create an 'evolution of Wren over time' sketch in words.  Maybe even a photo log showing changes to my appearance.  That way every precious moment of what is sure to be my greatest achievement would be recorded in eternity... or something like that.

But...

I didn't end up keeping a transition journal.  When I sat down and thought about it, I didn't see the value of recording every detail of my transition.  I didn't want it to be the pencil marks on the door frame measuring my growth.  It felt too much like I was studying myself and that all of this was some sort of experiment with a hypothesis and I'm the lab rat.  

Why am I writing this blog now?  I view this as an opportunity to share what I've been through in the hopes that someone else can learn from me.  And, rather than writing as it happens, misconceptions and all, I am looking back and able to understand what was really going on.

Though it may not be magical and silvery, creating this blog is my way of bottling those memories and leaving them on a shelf for inquisitive wizards to find.  I have had help along the way, reading insights and stories other authors have shared.  Sometimes its breadcrumbs left behind to help me find my way.  Sometimes they offer solace, feeling validated about what I'm going through as I read someone else's account.  And sometimes its like a big piece of caution tape warning me to be careful or avoid a dangerous situation.  In any case I don't think its possible to know too much.  One of my favorite Trans Journey blogs is by Juliet Jacques.  She is an excellent writer and I've gotten a lot from reading her story.  http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/series/transgender-journey.

I've been pulling other memories out of my brain as well, storing them in my private pensieve.  By writing down troubling feelings, worries, or concerned thoughts I'm able to step back and evaluate them because transitioning has forced me to confront a lot of bad habits.  Misconceptions or wayward assumptions about dating, follow-up thoughts after therapy sessions, records of confrontations at work or home all seem easier to unravel when I write them down.  And recording it seems to ease my subconscious from dwelling overmuch on difficult topics (So a dream about running naked through the woods, chased by wolves and zombies while trying to avoid my step-dad seeing me without clothes on...must mean something right???).

Lastly, I've kept a log of events and incidents that happen at work.  This is a good habit for anyone and is all about personal safety.  My best friend went so far as to keep a recorder in her purse and tape meetings.  Writing down specific dates and times, the people involved, and the specifics of an incident will be a huge benefit if something were to ever come up at work.  No matter how secure and 'safe' I feel with my job, I know how quickly that can turn around.

So I went from a plan idealizing the phases of my trans journey to recording the things that actually matter to me, which seems far more valuable.  And quite frankly, as hairy as a situation may become, I'd rather write  it down to investigate later, than go back and look at pictures of stubbly chin whiskers and be reminded of my embarrassment.


~ Wren

"This? It is called a Pensieve. I sometimes find, and I am sure you know the feeling, that I simply have too many thoughts and memories crammed into my mind."

— Albus Dumbledore and Harry Potter discussing Dumbledore's Pensieve.